"Therapy, Work and a Family Visit"

I spent my time doing one of two things.  The first was watching TV.  I had to choose shows that would take my mind off of my children.  The Real Housewives of Orange County or Beverly Hills were at the top of my list of shows that I could just get lost in.  There was no violence (other than bitch slapping or throwing glasses of wine) and there was no death of children or twins.  Those types of shows are what got me through many months.  I had to take breaks from crying and they did that for me.

The second thing I would do would be to organize all the pictures of our boys on the computer.  I took pictures from Kevin's phone and from mine and put them together in chronological order and did my best to write captions for them.  That was hard to do but completely necessary.  I needed those pictures.  I couldn't hold my babies in my arms any more so this was the closest I could get to seeing them.  I cried so hard looking at those pictures; remembering what each day brought to our family.  Some happiness, some (most) extreme pain.  But it had to be done.

After each of the boys died, we got all their belongings.  We got all the sheets that were in each of the incubators the day they died, we got all their labels that were taped to their incubator, such as their name tag, suction length sign, and even their thermometer.  The day before Colin passed, I asked for both of the boy's first hats.  I was so glad I did that because they would have either washed and re-used, or thrown out Nathan's since he grew out of his.  But I did have quite a few things for each of the boys so I wanted to get something special to put them in.  I ended up finding two chests at Hobby Lobby that I thought would be perfect.

White one is Nathan's and the Dark one is Colin's

I put each of their belongings in their own chest so I could go look at all their tiny things whenever I wanted.  If the house was burning down and I had to save 1 thing (given that Kevin and the pets were safe) I would grab these two chests.  Other than my memories, these chests are all I had left of them.

With all that keeping me busy, it was finally Wednesday.  I get to go see my therapist, whose name is also Kelli.  After my appointment with her, I was going to head to work to discuss what my plan was on returning.  With the box of kleenex packed in my purse, I headed to therapy.

When I arrived, I just sat there in the lobby, incredibly sad.  I was going to tell her everything.  It's not like she knew bits and pieces of what happened.  I am sure she saw me on her schedule and was expecting to open the door and see a pregnant Kelly sitting there.  Instead, she got the most depressed and sad Kelly she had ever seen.  Still in the lobby, I listened to the music they were playing.  It was very calm and soothing music; just like I played for Nathan.  Hearing that was extremely difficult and  it kept bringing me back to him and the joy he brought me when we did skin-to-skin and the heartache it brought me because he died in my arms.

Kelli opened the door with a big smile on her face.  She saw me and knew something was wrong.  Walking back to her office I could feel the tears building up inside.  We got into the room, she shut the door and she told me that I didn't look ok.  I sat on the couch and began sobbing.  As I was trying to catch my breath every few seconds I began to tell her. Kelli just sat there, not saying a word, while I told her everything that happened.  Every day, begining with the day we got diagnosed up until the day Nathan died.  She listened.  That is all I needed her to do was listen.  I had to tell someone, start to finish, what I just went through.  I had to say it out loud.  I cried through the entire thing.  Kelli cried right along with me.   

My story was over and so was my hour.  It is extremely sad to know that I can tell my children's entire life story in one single hour.  She wanted me to come see her every week for a while and I had no problem with that.  I needed to get through this and I knew that she was going to help.  With red and puffy eyes, it was now time to go to work and face everyone who when the last time they saw me, I was pregnant.

Walking up the stairs to work was bitter sweet.  This isn't the last time I would have the feeling of "I shouldn't be here unless I am still pregnant or have my 2 babies with me."  I walked through the doors and around the corner to the Therapists ally.  The first person I saw was my friend Nikki.  She was one of the first person I told when Kevin and I started even trying to get pregnant and then again when we finally did get pregnant.  She gave me a hug and had tears in her eyes.  She was so happy to see me.  Many other friends/coworkers (where I work, friends and co-workers are one in the same) gave me hugs and then I went around the corner into the front office where my partner in crime, Kim, and my office manager (aka- work mom) sat.  More hugs.  I couldn't get enough of them.  I set my things down and told them I was going to talk with Lori, our boss.

Going into her office I told her my reservations about coming back to work but also that I had no reason not to return.  I didn't have babies at home to take care of so there was really no reason that I should stop working all together.  My biggest fear about returning to work would be the complaining.  Working in a physical therapy clinic, you hear a lot of complaints from patients and I honestly didn't think I could have someone be sitting at my desk and bitch about how this is ruining their lives or how horrible their life was.  I couldn't hear it.  They had no idea what I just went through and I am not saying that other people don't have tragedy and pain in their lives, I just couldn't hear bitching all day long.

And everyone knows the types of questions you get depending on what stage of life you are in.  If you are Boyfriend/Girlfriend, it is "When are you getting Married?"  As soon as you get married the question is "When are you going to have kids?" or "Do you have kids?"  It was those questions that I was worried about.  What would I say?  I have 2 boys. I had 2 boys?  It was all too fresh for me to answer those questions that strangers would ask.  I know they don't mean anything by it but it had such a newer meaning to me now and I couldn't say that I didn't have children.  I was no where near ready to discount the fact that I had them.

We talked for a while and I would talk about what happened in Cincinnati and start to cry.  Lori was so understanding.  They wanted me to return to work and they were going to do anything to help me through it.  I knew that if I did return, there would be days that I wanted as little patient interaction as possible.  My boys were always on my mind and it wasn't going to be easy to get through every day with a huge smile on my face.

The plan was for me to finish out my maternity leave.  I still gave birth and with a C-Section, I was given 8 weeks maternity leave so I mine as well finish it out.  I told Lori that I wanted to start on a Friday.  Those are usually slower days and it would give me a chance to ease into work and see how it goes.  February 7th was going to be my first day back.

I went back out to the front office and sat down in a chair.  We were talking about how things were going without me being at work and how everything is pretty much the same other than me not being there.  I am glad it wasn't that busy at that time because I started to cry in the chair.  Joy got up and gave me a huge hug and started to cry herself.  I can't even begin to explain how depressed I was to be back at work and not be pregnant.  I remember my last day at work before Kevin and I left for Cincinnati.  It was that Monday after we got diagnosed and all I could think about was the possibility of loosing my boys.   I was extremely scared that day and it was so incredibly hard to concentrate.  I had sent out an email to everyone while I was at work explaining why I was so sad and crying randomly throughout the day.

It was very crucial that I start back at work after my maternity leave was up.  I knew that I needed something to occupy my time.  I could not sit at home and sulk and cry everyday for the rest of my life.  Getting back into a normal routine would be good for me and even though it was hard to imagine at the time doing anything other than sit at home and cry over my dead babies, I was looking forward to a distraction.

My day of errands was over and it was time to go home and watch meaningless television to give my eyes and brain a much needed rest.

That following weekend, my brother-in-law, Jeff, and my Father-in-Law came into town.  The day we got home from Cincinnati, Kevin had talked to them and they wanted to come down that following weekend.  I told Kevin I didn't want any house guests that weekend.  I really wanted to be alone when I was home and didn't feel like entertaining or having to cook or clean or do anything for that matter (other than the gender reveal party).  So they came the second weekend we were home which was fine.

I honestly can't remember what we did that weekend except for one thing.  One night they were here, we all sat around the kitchen table to play euchre.  All the Kane men had their Killian's in one hand and their cards in the other.  It was bound to happen that someone would make a funny comment and everyone would start laughing since that is what usually happens during euchre.  Usually we are making fun of my Father-in-Law because he doesn't pay attention to the game and cares more about the stories that are being told then whose turn it is.  But something was said and Kevin and Jeff and my FIL start laughing so hard that they are crying.  Me, on the other hand, just start to cry.  I can't bring myself to laugh.   Having fun right after my babies died didn't seem right to me.  I wanted to laugh.  I really did.  It was funny but wanting to laugh made me cry even harder, so I ended up excusing myself and running upstairs, balling my eyes out.

Kevin followed and asked me what was wrong.  I told him the reason, whether it was stupid or not.  He asked me, "Would Colin and Nathan want to look down and see their mom sad and depressed all the time?  No.  They want their mom to be happy.  They would have a smile on their faces right now if they saw their mom laughing and smiling along with family.  They don't want you to be sad."  I knew he was right.  I knew that Colin and Nathan only want their mom and dad to be happy, but it was a hard step to get over.  In my mind, I needed them to look down on me and see that I was still mourning their loss.  To me, laughing meant that I was completely over it and have moved on already.  I'm not saying that it was the right way to handle it or to grieve, but that is the only way I knew how.  It would take a long time before I went a day without crying or a day where I could laugh really hard and smile, and not feel any guilt.  That day would come, but it wasn't today.

I did pull myself together after a few minutes alone and went back down to finish the game.  I've never dealt with grief like this in my life so it was going to take me a while to figure out how to live with a shattered heart.  I knew there were going to be moments that would be harder than others and I knew that someday, I would go a day without crying but there will never, EVER, be a day that I don't think about Colin and Nathan.