The next few days after we got home were not easy. I kept replaying everything that transpired in Cincinnati over and over in my head. I couldn't not think about it. It truly didn't seem real at all. Did our first born sons really just die in my arms within a month of each other? Am I at home in January and NOT pregnant with them anymore? But then I would look a their pictures that we took and it was confirmed...this was real. It really did happen and I somehow, someway, have to learn to live with this.
I immediately called my therapist to make an appointment. I had to see her. I couldn't get in there fast enough. Going to therapy was something that I had been doing for quite sometime now. Trying to get pregnant was really hard on me because it wasn't happening for the longest time so I started going for that mostly. Then as soon as I got pregnant, I was happy and stopped going. My therapist only knew I had gotten pregnant. She didn't know I was pregnant with twins and she didn't know that I had lost them. Her first available was the following Wednesday so I had to wait a week.
My dad was on a business trip when Nathan had passed away. In the hours leading up to his death, my dad wanted to know if he should get on a plane and be there for when he passed away. We told him he didn't need to be there. We didn't know when he was going to pass and we didn't want him to rush to Cincinnati, just to have missed us. With that said, he did fly back to Columbus once we were already back and wanted to see me, so my parents came over. Hugs and tears were present at this visit, as to be expected. After we visited for a while, they ended up leaving to go back to their house in Pennsylvania.
Friday I ended up getting very sick. It came out of no where. I threw up a couple of times and had a fever. I am so glad that I never got sick when we were in Cincinnati, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to go see my boys. That would have been hard to do. My mom said that my adrenaline was pumping the entire time I was down in Cincinnati and that can sometimes stop you from getting sick because it is in survival mode. Now that I was home, I was coming down from all that adrenaline and my body just needed to let it all go.
That night, I texted my friend Jessica to make sure that it was ok with her that I come to her gender reveal party for her twins (given that I felt better the next day). I asked her permission because this was her time to shine and be happy for her children and I didn't want her to think that if I came, all the attention would on me because of what just happened. She was fine with me coming and I really was looking forward to seeing everyone and celebrating her pregnancy.
Some people who would have just gone through what I went through wouldn't even think about doing anything relating to babies. I know a few who lost children and going to baby showers is still very hard for them. I completely get that. I don't know why it was so easy for me to jump right into things and celebrate all the other babies that were on their way. I guess for me, there was no reason to not be happy for my friends. Was I jealous that she was pregnant with twins and I wasn't anymore? Absolutely. I wanted to still be pregnant with Colin and Nathan more than anything. But it's not like I wasn't happy for them. I would never EVER want anyone to go through what I just went through...not even my worst enemy. So all I knew how to do was be happy for them and support them in their pregnancy.
Saturday morning came and I was feeling much better. It must have been a 24 bug so I was going to go to the party after all. I got ready and headed to Westerville for the party. On my way there I began to cry. I started to talk to Colin and Nathan and ask them for strength. I told them how much I missed them and how much I loved them and asked them to please be with me and keep me strong for today. That was the first of very many times I would cry while driving. It's not the safest thing to do, but it was pretty hard to stop sometimes.
I pulled myself together just as I was pulling up to Jessica's house. When I got there, I was greeted by my friend Sarah who gave me the biggest hug. It was so good to see her. She had been so supportive through the whole thing and such a wonderful friend. I then continued to say hello and receiving hugs after hugs by my friends and their family that knew what happened. If people asked about it, I would say a little but told them that after the party is over, we can hangout and talk about everything. I really was trying not to be the main focus of the party.
The main focus were Jessica's twins and we still didn't know what their gender were. There was a board that you would put your guess down. Were they 2 girls? 2 boys? or Boy/Girl twins? I guessed that they were 2 boys just because I needed to mentally prepare myself if she was having 2 boys. I needed to assume that she was going to be pregnant with 2 baby boys, just like I was.
The time came to find out. Jessica and her husband Matt went into their family room and everyone gathered around. Each of them had a bag and in each bag was an outfit that would either represent a girl or a boy. The first item of clothing was pulled out. It was a cute little dress! Baby A is going to be a girl! Then they pulled out the other piece of clothing. It was another little dress! Baby B is a girl as well! Two precious little girls waiting to be held in the arms of their loving parents. Avery and Lydia were their names. I couldn't be more happy for her and I have to be honest, I was kind of relieved it was two girls. I think it would have hit me harder if it was two boys whether I mentally prepared myself or not.
We then played non-other than a Twin Trivia Game. Even though I was just pregnant with twins, a lot of these questions were really hard and I had no idea. I did not win the game. Oh well.
The party was dying down and just a couple of my friends were left. We all gathered around the kitchen table and they started asking me questions. I made sure they knew that I was fine with being asked anything. Nothing was off limits. I wanted them to know exactly what I went through and although it was tough to talk about, especially being only a few days ago, I could tell it hurt them to hear about it.
I remember talking about Nathan's last moments in my arms. My friend Brittany was there holding her 10 month old and when I began to talk about the feeling of holding my baby and loosing him all at the same time, she clenched on to her daughter so tight and started to tear up. I am sure she was imagining how painful it would be to loose her little girl. I wanted to go day by day, feeling by feeling, and tell them everything, but there wasn't enough time and no matter how detailed I get with the story, until you lived something like I lived, you will truly never understand. And I don't want people to truly understand because I don't want anyone to loose there child. I would much rather be the only person that had felt that kind of pain than have any one of my friends feel that way.
I love my friends. They are so kind and so supportive and after the day was over, I was really glad I went to the party to see everyone and celebrate the upcoming arrival of Lydia and Avery. Bring on another day.
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