We were going back to do a few things. The first one was to return my breast pump since I was done with it. The second was to go to the Vital Statistics office and pick up Colin and Nathan's Birth Certificates and their Death Certificates. Did I really just say that? Am I really picking up my sons DEATH Certificates? This still can't be real, but yet, it is. Looking back on it, everything happened so fast that I can't believe that I was returning to Cincinnati when it really felt like I had almost never left. But that wasn't the worst of it...we were also picking up Colin and Nathan. Their remains were ready and it was time for them to come home with us, but I never in my wildest nightmares thought it would be in the form of ashes.
It was a Wednesday which means Kevin took off work to go down with me. Our first stop was quick and easy. We arrived at the DME place and I just ran in, gave the pump to a lady, and rand back out. The second stop wasn't so quick. We put in the address to the Vital Statistics office and our GPS took us into a really crappy part of town. We saw the building on our right but there was no parking lot or anything. Kevin said he didn't feel comfortable leaving the Jeep parked on this street since he noticed gang graffiti all around and then he saw a man cross from the opposite side of the street onto our side of the street as soon as we pulled up. Kevin, being a cops son, notices these things. I told him that I would run in and get them and he could stay with the car. He said that there was no way that he was going to let me run in alone. I said, "I am here picking up our babies death certificates...do you really think people are going to want to mess with me right now?" Kevin didn't care (as he shouldn't) and we pulled out and drove around to see if there was a nicer area that we could park.
We eventually found the opposite side of the building and low and behold, there was a parking lot for the building. So we parked and then went in. Once we got there, we had to fill out some forms. I filled out the form for one baby, and Kevin filled out the form for the other. Then we paid the people and had to wait. We just sat there people watching. Again we were in a bad part of town so I guess you could say, we were the minority in this crowd of people.
After a while, a woman came out and said "Parents of Nathan and COLON Kane!" Can you believe it? I was very particular on what we named our children so people wouldn't have a hard time pronouncing it and then here, this lady pronounces Colin's name Colon. I was pissed. I am already upset because of what we are doing today and she has to go and pronounce my dead sons name wrong. Whatever. The Certificates were ready and we had to look them over to make sure all the information was correct. It was, but one thing that I didn't understand was why they had to put "DECEASED" stamped across their Birth Certificates. We had their Death Certificates so why was it necessary to make it known on their BC that they were deceased? I have my birth certificate and when I die, it will never have "DECEASED" written across it so why do they? They lived, they breathed. It didn't make sense to me. But off we went with Certificates in hand and headed to our final destination.
We finally found this funeral parlor and crematory which sat up on a steep hill. Here we go. Kevin and I walked into this hallway filled with different kinds of urns. From our waist up to the ceiling were individual compartments, each with their own earn in it. We walked down the hallway to find an open office...with no one in it. We walked down the other hallway into a room with more urns and then a bird.....in a cage. Very strange. We yelled out, "Hello!!" But no one answered. After a couple tries, I ran out to the car to get the phone number for the place and called them. No one answered. This was going great so far.
When I walked back in, Kevin was in the office and some one had come out of a secret door somewhere. We told him who we were here to pick up so he went and got them. Kevin and I stood there in silence. The man came back out with 2 very tiny little bags of ashes with tags on them. There were our children. I couldn't believe it. Our children's bodies were ashes now. There are no words to describe the feeling of seeing your children turned to dust.
I had cried every single day since we got back to Columbus, but I do remember there was one day that I hadn't cried yet. It was early evening and I was actually mad at myself that I hadn't cried. So I started to think of something that I knew would make me cry and this was it. I thought of their little, tiny bodies being cremated. I know that is such an awful thing to think about but I did. You all know how it works so I don't need to paint the picture of what I was envisioning but thinking about that hurt my heart. Did it hurt them? Do you think their souls felt it happen? I couldn't stand the thought of my babies being hurt or in any more pain that they had already been through.
I didn't have many days that I had to actually think of something to make myself cry because I cried every day. People handle grief many different ways. To me, I felt that Colin and Nathan deserved my tears everyday. I felt that they needed to know that them being gone was still devastating and forever will be devastating and I thought they needed to see me cry to know.
I noticed the tag on Nathan's and it said "Nathan David Kane." I told the man that "David" was not his middle name and I wanted to make sure we had the correct ashes. He said it was our Nathan, it was just a mistake. I wasn't very friendly at this moment and then the man did something completely rude and insensitive to make me even more mad. He got out one tiny cylinder box and started to put both the ashes in that single box. "Can we have two since they are 2 separate people?" I asked. Then he looks over at the lady next to him and asks how much those things cost. He wasn't going to charge us for them but he made it sound like we were putting them out a couple bucks because we wanted one for each of our children. I'm sorry...what the F**K? We are picking up our babies ashes and you are worried about a couple dollar box? Give us the damn boxes with our babies in their own box and lets be on our way. I was pissed at his insensitivity and sad all at the same time. Kevin and I both started to tear up as we were watching him put the boys ashes in the boxes. It was all so surreal.
I held both the boxes on my lap as we got into the car and tears started to drip down my face. I looked over at Kevin and said, "This is the first time I am holding both our boys at the same time." He grabbed my hand and told me he loved me and teared up himself. What parents says that the first time holding their twins for the first time together was when they were just dust? Me...thats who. It was a sad car ride home to Columbus just like the last time. But we had our boys and they were coming home to be with us. I held them so tightly that trip. It's completely not the same thing, but I felt like when I hugged the boxes, I was hugging them and that they could feel it.
It wasn't easy going back to Cincinnati and although it was very difficult, I am very glad that Colin and Nathan are home where they belong.
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| Our little shrine to Colin and Nathan. |
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