The day had come when we were going to have a proper goodbye for Colin and Nathan. The anxiety was building up inside but I was ready to do this and to be able to have all our friends and family be able to pay their respects.
Going through this journey with our boys, we got to experience love and support from so many people. These 2 little boys were so loved and cherished even though no one ever got to meet them in person. They touched so many lives and I think they taught people a great life lesson of unconditional love and how every moment of your lives should be cherished because you are never guaranteed tomorrow. I think that is what my children had taught me. Being down in Cincinnati, we never knew if today was going to be our last days with them or if we would be blessed with at least one more. So living life and spending it with the people you love should always be number one priority.
Kevin and I arrived at the church a bit early so we could get things set up. Some women at the church were so kind to put on a lunch for everyone afterwards so they were setting up the room for that. I had also been going through the boys pictures and putting their pictures to music and basically making a slideshow to be playing at the lunch. I wanted people to see Colin and Nathan. Their whole lives were documented through pictures and it was important for me to show people who they were. They were so tiny and I don't think people will ever understand how small they were because the pictures don't do it justice.
Instead of a guest book for people to sign in, we took their journals that we had started for them and we wanted everyone to write each of the boys a little message. I had already written a goodbye letter to each of them in their journals and I saved room for all our immediate family to write a long message to them as well.
Since we had them cremated, I brought their ashes with us as well as framed pictures of them. Those were displayed on a table in the front of the church. I had my BOX of tissues ready and were just waiting for the people to start arriving.
As people were arriving, I was handing out the boy's prayer cards to anyone who didn't get them as well as hugging people as they were coming in. There were a LOT of people. We had work people, family members, friends and their families...I mean it was almost as packed as our wedding and Kevin and I felt so loved seeing all these people come to our boys memorial.
It was time to get started. I went to go sit in the front pew and Rev. Hoover hadn't even gone up to the podium yet and I bust out crying. I was really at my sons' funeral. I had Kevin on the left of me and my mom on my right. Kevin put his arm around me and I just laid my head on his shoulder while I wiped the tears from my eyes.
Rev. Hoover began. He did the readings that Kevin and I picked out as well as said a few kind words of his own. Now it was time for my dad to do his eulogy. Before he went up, he grabbed my hand and mouth the words, "I Love you," to me. He went up and began. The eulogy was wonderful. So well written and absolutely perfect. My dad was the perfect person to do that for us. I cried through the whole thing. (His eulogy is on the next blog entry).
The ceremony was lovely and I am so glad we decided to do it through the church because I felt that it was a wonderful way to honor our boys and allow everyone to get to know them just a little bit more. Once it was over, someone told Kevin and I to walk to the back of the church so people knew it was ok to exit. I walked out of the pew, one hand in Kevin's hand and the other covering my eyes because I still crying. I couldn't stop. I was heartbroken. No parent should have to say goodbye to their children. It is not the correct order in life. My children should have to bury me when I am old and grey, not the other way around. And never in my wildest nightmares did I ever think this would be a life obstacle that I would have to overcome and deal with.
I went straight to the bathroom to try and compose myself and see if I could clean up my red, puffy, mascara running down my face, eyes. It was hard to salvage at this point because of how hard I was crying, but since Cincinnati, I had gotten real used to having crying eyes around people.
As people were walking into the banquet room, I went back into the church to grab Colin and Nathan's ashes and pictures. I was the only one in the church at this point but my friend Rebecca saw me and came and gave me a big hug. Now it was time to go and thank everyone for coming.
There was an entire table of women from the Columbus Mothers of Twins Club there. It was so nice of them to come and show their support and love towards me even though I had never really met most of them. I had only been to 2 meetings before the boys were born and I hadn't gone back since I had been back in Columbus so this really showed me what a special group this is to be in. My twins weren't here with me anymore, but that didn't mean I stopped being a mother of twins and I will always carry that title with me with pride. I told all the women how jealous I was of them and told them to go home and hug and kiss their kids and tell them how special they are.
As I was going around to the different tables, there were 2 things that people would say to me. They of course would talk about Colin and Nathan and tell me how sorry they were and what a lovely ceremony that was...and the second would be questions about my Dad. "What does he do for living?" "That was a fantastic eulogy!" "I could listen to your dad talk all day long!" It was pretty humorous. He did do an excellent job and I was just waiting for someone to hire him to speak at an event or something.
The lunch was wrapping up and people were starting to leave. We were so grateful for everyone who came and I was just incredibly touched by the love we felt that day.
Since we had some family and friends from out of town, we invited them back to our house for a little bit. Our parents, my brother, Kevin's cousin Lori and her husband Glenn and their two boys and then our friends Joe and Erin and their twin girls, all came back to our house. It was great having them there. I got to show Erin and Lori the boys things and they couldn't believe how small their diapers were and the blood pressure cuff. I think it really hit them how tiny they were when the saw how small everything was. I loved showing people their things and telling people about our boys. I am not a mother who doesn't want to talk about them because it makes me sad. My whole thing is that if I don't tell people about them, then no one is going to get to know them so it is my responsibility to tell their story because I was the only one that was with them every single day of their lives.
Although it was an extremely difficult and emotional day for me, I think the memorial was absolutely perfect as was the whole day. Colin and Nathan will forever be my sons and nothing will ever change that. I will see them again someday but for right now, I can only hope they visit me in my dreams.
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