Woke up this
morning with swollen eyes and more tears coming down. I still couldn’t believe that we were leaving
to go home today….without our boys. I
never in a million years thought that it would end up this way. The plan was to come down to Cincinnati, have
the ablation to fix the TTTS, hang out in the city for 5 days or so and then
get checked. And then once everything
was A-Okay, we were to go home and continue to be pregnant. It never occurred to me that we would have
delivered our babies in Cincinnati, been their parents for such a short time
and then say goodbye to them.
When you get
pregnant for the first time, unless someone in your life has been through
infant death, it doesn’t really cross your mind that it could happen to
you. I went through this pregnancy,
super hopeful and apparently, living in a dream world. Even going to the MFM doctors to monitor for
TTTS, I never actually thought it would end up this way. It never crossed my mind that they could
die. It just didn’t.
There I laid,
childless in the physical sense of the word.
I will always have children.
Colin and Nathan will always be my children and I will always be their
mom. There is not one thing in this
entire universe that can change that. I
just don’t get the chance to mother them and raise them with Kevin to be fine
young gentlemen. It was a hard pill to
swallow and it is still unbelievable at times that they are not here.
With no child in
the hospital anymore, it was time to head back to our house in Hilliard. We got ready and packed up all our
stuff. I began cleaning the room and
following the checkout procedure while Kevin loaded the car. We went downstairs to the main dining area to
get some coffee and then I went to the main desk to hand in our keys. They wanted me to fill out a survey so I did
that while Kevin pulled the car around. The RMH
had been so great to help us and give us a place to stay while our boys were in
critical care. But I couldn’t, for the
life of me, give anyone there a smile. I
was so devastated. I just wanted to get
out of there.
I left the RMH for
the last time and got in the car. We
pulled out through the gates, turned on the street and we were off. I busted out crying. I wasn’t ready to leave Cincinnati yet
because leaving this soon means we have no babies in the back seat. We then drove right past the hospital and I
looked up to where Nathan’s window was.
It was over. We were leaving and
not returning. The best way to describe
what I was feeling was abandonment. I
felt like I was abandoning my babies.
They were still in the hospital.
Their bodies were there and I was leaving them behind. My heart continued to shatter into smaller
pieces the farther away we got but Kevin grabbed my hand to let me know that he
was still there and always will be there for me.
We got on the
highway and I was still numb. Numb from
the pain. Numb from the devastation and
numb from the loneliness I felt. I ended
up starting to text my friend Sarah. I
was telling her how I was feeling and everything in between. Her sister, Jessica, was pregnant with
fraternal twins and I knew she was going to have a gender reveal party sometime
soon. I told Sarah that I would like to
go. Sarah was surprised as I think
anyone would be. I just lost my twins
and here I am, wanting to go to a twin gender reveal party. She told me it was that coming Saturday, so 3
days away. I didn’t think it was going
to be that soon but I really did want to go and support Jessica.
Sarah and I
continued to text and before you know it, we were getting off at our exit. We had been texting for almost 2 hours. It didn’t get my mind off everything that
just happened, but it sure did make that trip seem like it was 10 mintes and for
that, I am grateful to her.
We pulled in the
driveway and I got out to go inside while Kevin unpacked the car. I walked in the house with my head down,
walked into the family room and plopped on the couch and started to cry
uncontrollably. I couldn’t catch my
breath. I shouldn’t be here. We
shouldn’t be here. If we are home we
should have 2 car seats with sleeping babies in them! Why are we home without them? I hated being home. I loved it but I hated it. Nothing about this felt right. Being home without them felt wrong. Last time I was at home I was pregnant with
them. So one way or another, they should
be home with me; whether it be still in my tummy or screaming little babies.
The tears wouldn’t stop. I am amazed
that one person can produce as much tears as I had been in the past 72 hours. It was so incredibly strange to be here. Home is supposed to be where the heart is and
my heart is in those little boys back in Cincinnati.
I am just thankful
that we never got anywhere near getting the nursery ready. We had cleaned the room out but that was
about it. I had a bin of a few clothes
but no furniture. I don’t think I could
have handled coming home to a nursery that had 2 cribs in it, 2 sets of
everything and no babies to sleep in there.
The house was still decorated for Christmas though. Kevin was so sweet to put everything up the
weekend before we left for Cincinnati and I never got to enjoy. That would be a project for me when I am home
and need to keep myself busy.
The rest of the day
I am sure, consisted of unpacking and a lot of crying. At the end of the day, I took the candles
that were given to us on Christmas and lit them in memory of Colin and Nathan. I didn’t know what was going to happen with
me and how the next few months were going to go. It is definitely something I am going to have
to take day by day, and some days, hour by hour.
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