"Colin and Nathan's 1st Birthday" (12/12/14)

Has it really been a year?  It really seems just like yesterday we were spending our days in the NICU with the boys, and now, we are celebrating their 1st Birthday.  The only difference with our family is that our boys aren't here to actually celebrate it with us.  No first Birthday cake for them to smash all over their faces, no presents to try and unwrap and make a complete mess.  It is just Kevin, me, our dog, and Sean inside my belly.

I really wasn't sure how I was going to feel on their Birthday so I decided to take the day off work just in case it was extremely hard for me.  It was a Friday and it was also the day that we were having our Christmas Party for work.  So even though I was taking the day off work, I was going to try to make it to the party if I was feeling up to it.

I have mixed emotions about the day the boys were born.  On one hand, it was such a scary moment not knowing what was going to happen.  Were they going to survive outside of me for a long time or would they not last  even an hour?  The unknown of what the days ahead were about to bring was so scary and I honestly didn't want to meet them yet.  But on the other hand, how in the world can you hate the day you meet your babies for the first time?  No matter what the future was going to hold, these were our first borns and to actually see them in person was a feeling like nun other, regardless of their size and health status.

Celebrating this day was very important to me and I wanted to make it as special as we could.  So that day I went out and bought 2 cupcakes and two light blue balloons.  I wanted to send the balloons off to heaven for their birthday party.  Throughout the year, I have met other families who lost children and I am sure every little baby that is now an angel, is up there with Colin and Nathan celebrating their 1st Birthday...equipped with pointy party hats and all.

During the day, I did pretty well.  I think there was just one time I broke down so I did feel like I was up to going to the Christmas Party.  They are never really long parties and this one was at a Mexican restaurant in the middle of the day  where we just ate, talked and exchanged our Secret Santa gifts.

Now it was time to go home and spend the rest of the day thinking about our boys, and celebrating their lives.

I took the balloons and wrote on them with a sharpie.  "Happy Birthday Colin! Mommy and Daddy Love you" on Colin's and "Happy Birthday Nathan!  Mommy and Daddy love you!" on Nathan's.

I had my C+N shirt on which my Brother-in-law had made. (He originally had them made so they could wear them in the Nationwide Children's Hospital 1/2 and Full Marathon since the 11th mile was for angel babies)

I got my pictures with the balloons and then Kevin and I headed out to the front yard to let the balloons go.  It was a nice moment.  We said "Happy Birthday Colin and Nathan! We love you!" and sent them off to heaven.  It was a bit windy and Nathan's Balloon got caught in a tree.  I was kind of bummed about that but after 5 minutes, I went to check on it and it had gotten loose and was on its way to the party.

We then lit the candles on the cupcakes and each made a wish on behalf of them.  We also lit the candles that we had received in honor of them and let those burn brightly for a bit.

All in all it was a lovely day to remember our babies and even though I had a few tiny breakdowns, it was nice to be at the point where I can think of them and smile and be grateful for the time I had with them and the memories we created in that short time. 

Happy 1st Birthday Colin and Nathan