Since I was really surprised on how well I did on their 1st Birthday, I wondered how well I was going to do with the anniversary of each of their deaths. Something tells me that I wouldn't be as OK those days.
It was just two days after their first birthday that I had to get through the anniversary of Colin's death. Let me just tell you that I didn't do as well as I thought. The day they were born, although an unwanted birthday, brought more worry and fear then it did sadness. It's no question that the day your children are born will always ALWAYS be happier than the day you say goodbye.
I went through the entire day playing over and over in my head, all the moments of the day leading up to Colin's death. How I sat right next to him the majority of the day wishing and hoping for a miracle to happen and for him to magically get better. How I cried so many tears onto his isolette and how I held that tiny hand of his, relishing in every single movement that his fingers made. I knew that entire day that our time was limited but until Colin was ready to go to heaven, I wasn't about to give up hope for him to stay with us.
It was hard. It was hard then and it was hard a year later playing it back in my mind. Kevin went out for a little bit that day so it was just me and my thoughts. I didn't even have a kitty to snuggle up with. So while he was out, I took Colin's chest that had all of his things in it and took it up to my bed so I could go through it. The tears started to pour. Looking at his pictures, feeling his footprint, and remembering all the moments I had with him. The moments were going through my head like a slideshow on repeat. His diapers were so small, his blood pressure cuff could fit around my pinky and his hand and footprints were smaller than dolls I used to have as a little girl. I hugged the sheet that was in his incubator the night he died and buried my face in it, hoping I could still smell that scent that engulfed his isolette. Unfortunately, any smell that it once had was now faded.
Going through his things was especially difficult but I needed to do it. I also went through all my pictures on my computer and cried tears on my keyboard. At that point, Kevin came home and walked right into the rainstorm. He knew why I was crying so he just came over and gave me a huge hug.
The fact that it has already been a year since everything happened is absolutely crazy to me. The year had gone by so fast that I couldn't believe we were already re-living what happened a year ago in our heads instead of actually living it. So much has changed and we have so much to look forward to. Sean was going to be here in less than a month and we couldn't wait for that kind of happiness to enter our lives.
But for tonight, I will remember my first born. My 1 lb 9 oz baby boy that came into this world for a brief moment but had a lifelong impression on our hearts.
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