"The Good In It All"

There are so many reasons why you could say this tragedy happened to Kevin and I.  Some reasons I like, some I don't.  How can I look at our tragedy and turn it into something positive?  What good things happened in our situation?  It seems like there wouldn't be anything good, right?  Well this is how I see the good in what happened.  Lets take the failed ablation for instance.  Yes, it didn't work and yes it irritated my uterus and put me in the Labor and Delivery unit for a week.  I never actually went into labor.  It was Nathan's heart that started to decel which made me have an emergency c-section.  Lets say we didn't get diagnosed early enough or I wasn't being monitored 24 hrs a day.  Both my boys could have died inside me and I wouldn't have known it was coming.  We may have never known that Nathan's heart was decelerating thus never getting an emergency c-section.  Everything that happened gave us the blessing of actually meeting our babies and spending time with them.  I truly believe that if it weren't for the doctors who did everything they could to save our babies, Kevin and I would have never gotten to meet our boys alive...and for that, I am forever grateful.

The NICU can bring some very hard decisions for parents when it comes to their child.  And 9 times out of 10, the parents have no medical background to really make an educated decision on what to do.  We really had to rely on the experts and trust that they knew what they were doing.  We relied on them to educate us to the best of their ability so we could make the best decision we knew how for our kids.  The good:  we didn't have to decide whether or not to take the boys off the ventilator.  Colin and Nathan both made the decision for us to leave the physical world and spend the rest of eternity up in heaven.  I thank them so much for not having their parents make such an awful decision if it came down to it.  Now we did tell them to DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) because they said it may buy us minutes, maybe hours, but not a lifetime, so we didn't want to put them through that if it wasn't going to really save them.

I think that Colin and Nathan knew that if they both stayed alive, they would have severe disabilities. Now Kevin and I knew from the beginning that that was a possibility but we were willing to take that chance.  We were prepared to have a life with 2 wheelchair ridden boys.  I applaud any parent that has a disabled child.  I am sure it is a very stressful and difficult life sometimes but for those parents who do anything and everything for their child(ren) is a hero in my book.  So I really do think that Colin and Nathan made the decision to leave us and go to heaven so Kevin and I could continue to grow our family and have healthy children.

Another good thing that came out of this was Kevin and I's relationship.  While some marriages would have failed and been torn apart by the loss of their children, Kevin and I grew closer.  Kevin is the only one who knew what went on in the NICU besides me.  He is the only one who spent as much time with our boys as I did.  There was absolutely no way this marriage was going to fail.  It was going to get stronger and the experience showed each of us what a great parent the other one was and will be in the future.  I couldn't wait until we were able to get pregnant again so I could see this wonderful man really get the chance to parent a child.  I was ready to watch him teach a little boy how to grow up to be a young gentleman, or how to teach a little girl how a man should love his wife and how he should treat women.  If we have a girl, I am sure he would play tea party with her.  I couldn't wait to see what the future would hold for our growing family.

I really do feel very blessed, even after everything that happened.  I got to meet my 2 beautiful, sweet, baby boys and it would feel wrong to look at our journey as a horrible experience.  Yes, horrible things happened, but so much good came out of it.  I tell people that if I knew what I know now, I would do it all over again.  I would go through the pain and the heartache just to meet my sons, to hold them, to kiss them.  I have no hesitation saying that.  Of course, I would have rather had them go to a reasonable gestational age and be completely healthy in the end and have them at home with me, but if it was between never getting pregnant with them in the first place or getting pregnant and going through that heartache, there is no question that I would choose meeting my boys, if just for a little while.

Colin and Nathan will forever be my angels and I am so proud to be their mother.  In their short little lives, they did a whole lot of good.  

"Colin and Nathan: A Eulogy"

Most of us have seen the commercial on television.

It is the one where Professor Daniel Gilbert, whoever he is, asks the simple question: "How old is the oldest person you know?" as hundreds of people in New York's Central Park place dots upon a gigantic graph marking the decades beyond age 65 to illustrate how much longer people are living today than in years past.  This well-known commercial for a company's retirement savings program gets us thinking about life expectancy that, for increasing numbers of people can extend well into the 80's and 90's, and for many we have come to expect it.

But the reality is this: Life doesn't work like that. Life isn't fair.  For many people, things don't work out as we hoped or expected.  For hundreds of thousands of people each year, tragedy or ill-health intervenes and takes loved ones away from us well before we can realize Professor Gilbert's hope of a life measured in many decades beyond retirement.  And for those who do leave us early, we honor their memory through the lives they touched while sharing life's journey with those close to them.  We instinctively know that the worth of one's life is not measured solely in the number of years recorded on a big graph, but in the impact that that life made upon those who shared in it.

Which brings us to Colin and Nathan.  How does one measure the impact of two little twin boys whose lives were measured not in years, but in days?  Surprisingly, we have now learned, the impact can be just as profound, but in a very different way.  Though we are unable to reflect upon any milestones they would have reached had they been able to survive the disease that ultimately claimed them both or celebrated the many successes they no doubt would have had during that life which we hoped would be theirs, Colin and Nathan nonetheless made a huge impact upon their parents and grandparents, the many doctors and nurses who cared for them, and the countless friends of the Kane and Dorman families who were touched by the circumstances surrounding their sadly short but very meaningful lives.  We derive meaning from their short lives and their passing because both boys revealed to us much about ourselves and those around us, and we have been strengthened because of them.

Colin and Nathan showed us, for example, what wonderful parents Kelly and Kevin were, and will be in the future, as we witnessed their dedication and perseverance while they supported one another through the uncertain and emotional days leading up to the twins' birth, and then the unselfish and total devotion to see the boys through the difficult and equally uncertain days in the Neonatal ICU.  In Cincinnati's charity hospital where many sick premature babies hardly, if ever, felt the presence of their parents, Kelly and Kevin were a shining example of love, grace, fortitude and commitment to the role of parent.  One need only read the nightly updates on their conditions sent out by Kelly after each day to friends and family, or to view the scores of pictures taken, or the iPhone videos recorded of the interaction between the parents and these tiny, helpless children to fully appreciate the depth of love and concern they had for these two little guys.  Kelly loved changing those tiny diapers as the videos attested.  Kevin, not so much.  Typical guy.

The twins also showed us the true meaning of the sacrament of marriage.  Through their shared grief, Kevin and Kelly were reminded by these boys of the importance of supporting one another and growing together in their marriage through good times and bad times.  They learned that through all things, no matter how difficult, one will endure if there is love, respect, and dedication to one another.  Think of the millions of married couples out there who never learn that lesson.

And what did they teach us about ourselves and those dedicated professionals who were there to help?  There is no doubt that the doctors and nurses at the University of Cincinnati Hospital will remember the Kane twins and their parents, for they served as an inspiration of hope and optimism for the staff, despite odds that told them otherwise.  We remember the medical staff of Megan, Bridgett, and Bob, Drs Allen, Van Hook, Valentine and of course Dr. Jaekle, all of whom were touched by the narrative of love and commitment that filled the Labor and Delivery and NICU units.  The fact that the medical staff would make contact with Kelly weeks after the boys passed attests to the impact that Kelly, Kevin, and the twins had upon them.  And when other young parents facing a similar circumstance may have taken a different course of action and resigned themselves to the abandonment of hope, Kelly and Kevin opted to give the boys as much of a chance as possible regardless of the outcome.  How incredibly blessed these boys were to be given Kevin and Kelly as parents to help see them through their very brief lives and carry their memory on forever.  I think the boys knew that.  They were observed by their parents many times in their isolettes holding their hand over their heart - in sign language that means "I love you" and it is probably not a coincidence that their grandmother Barb, who is in heaven caring for them now, used to teach sign language.  All of these things were revealed through the lives of these two sweet boys.

Not a bad contribution for two lives measured in days.

But as we reflect upon the time we did spend with them, we cannot help but speculate, based upon those short days and weeks they were with us, as to what they would be like, so let me offer my thoughts based on nothing more than a grandfather's intuition.

Now most of us know that siblings are often very different from one another, even with twins.  So we can imagine that Colin and Nathan would have been different as well.  In my mind's eye, Colin was the more sensitive one, who would have mirrored his mothers propensity to be very thoughtful to others and to hold relationships close to her heart.  And with sensitivity comes talent, and no doubt Colin would have had a strong creative side, along with a bit of a temper whose emotions got the best of him on occasion.  Kevin, no doubt, would put his headphones on to block out the sound of Colin practicing his piano.  My guess is that he would have been the one who always got picked on by his brother, who was more aggressive.  But our insights into Colin are limited by the very brief time he was with us, and we are left only to imagine what he would have been like.

Nathan, on the other hand, spent nearly a month with Mom and Dad, and they came to know him far better.  He was a fighter.  Though much smaller than his brother at birth, Nathan endured a host of medical hurdles early on that would have gotten the best of a lesser kid.  Nathan was the hockey player.  Nathan was the one destined to have his front teeth knocked out on the ice during a body check on a Power Play.  Nathan probably would have been the handful and Kelly would have probably put HER headphones on while Nathan and Kevin watched Sidney Crosby and the Penguins defeat the New York Rangers.

We can only speculate.  But what we DO know is they would have both experienced a deep and abiding love throughout their lives at the hands of two extraordinary young parents.  But it was not to be, because life isn't fair.  As author Steve McConnell, a gifted pastor and author of the book, "When the Wind is Against You" says, "Life pushes back.  And when it does, the question then becomes, what are you going to do about it?  How are you going to confront this reality of existence?  How are you going to live your days in a life that always pushes back?  The question is not whether you will have trouble - Jesus promises us we will in this life - the question is how are you going to live into it?  How are you going to confront it?"

Kevin and Kelly, you now have two guardian angels that are watching over you, as they will their future brothers and/or sisters.  How are you going to live into your life from this point forward? May Colin's and Nathan's lives be a source not of bitterness and regret, but of love that you share with each other and those around you going forward.  The twins wouldn't want it any other way.

Richard H. Dorman

February 9, 2014

"The Memorial" (2/15/14)

The day had come when we were going to have a proper goodbye for Colin and Nathan.  The anxiety was building up inside but I was ready to do this and to be able to have all our friends and family be able to pay their respects.

Going through this journey with our boys, we got to experience love and support from so many people.  These 2 little boys were so loved and cherished even though no one ever got to meet them in person.  They touched so many lives and I think they taught people a great life lesson of unconditional love and how every moment of your lives should be cherished because you are never guaranteed tomorrow.  I think that is what my children had taught me.  Being down in Cincinnati, we never knew if today was going to be our last days with them or if we would be blessed with at least one more.  So living life and spending it with the people you love should always be number one priority.

Kevin and I arrived at the church a bit early so we could get things set up.  Some women at the church were so kind to put on a lunch for everyone afterwards so they were setting up the room for that.  I had also been going through the boys pictures and putting their pictures to music and basically making a slideshow to be playing at the lunch.  I wanted people to see Colin and Nathan.  Their whole lives were documented through pictures and it was important for me to show people who they were.  They were so tiny and I don't think people will ever understand how small they were because the pictures don't do it justice.

Instead of a guest book for people to sign in, we took their journals that we had started for them and we wanted everyone to write each of the boys a little message.  I had already written a goodbye letter to each of them in their journals and I saved room for all our immediate family to write a long message to them as well.

Since we had them cremated, I brought their ashes with us as well as framed pictures of them.  Those were displayed on a table in the front of the church.  I had my BOX of tissues ready and were just waiting for the people to start arriving.

As people were arriving, I was handing out the boy's prayer cards to anyone who didn't get them as well as hugging people as they were coming in.  There were a LOT of people.  We had work people, family members, friends and their families...I mean it was almost as packed as our wedding and Kevin and I felt so loved seeing all these people come to our boys memorial.

It was time to get started.  I went to go sit in the front pew and Rev. Hoover hadn't even gone up to the podium yet and I bust out crying.  I was really at my sons' funeral.  I had Kevin on the left of me and my mom on my right.  Kevin put his arm around me and I just laid my head on his shoulder while I wiped the tears from my eyes.

Rev. Hoover began.  He did the readings that Kevin and I picked out as well as said a few kind words of his own.  Now it was time for my dad to do his eulogy.  Before he went up, he grabbed my hand and mouth the words, "I Love you," to me.  He went up and began.  The eulogy was wonderful.  So well written and absolutely perfect.  My dad was the perfect person to do that for us.  I cried through the whole thing.  (His eulogy is on the next blog entry).

The ceremony was lovely and I am so glad we decided to do it through the church because I felt that it was a wonderful way to honor our boys and allow everyone to get to know them just a little bit more.  Once it was over, someone told Kevin and I to walk to the back of the church so people knew it was ok to exit.  I walked out of the pew, one hand in Kevin's hand and the other covering my eyes because I still crying.  I couldn't stop.  I was heartbroken.  No parent should have to say goodbye to their children.  It is not the correct order in life.  My children should have to bury me when I am old and grey, not the other way around.  And never in my wildest nightmares did I ever think this would be a life obstacle that I would have to overcome and deal with.

I went straight to the bathroom to try and compose myself and see if I could clean up my red, puffy, mascara running down my face, eyes.  It was hard to salvage at this point because of how hard I was crying, but since Cincinnati, I had gotten real used to having crying eyes around people.

As people were walking into the banquet room, I went back into the church to grab Colin and Nathan's ashes and pictures.  I was the only one in the church at this point but my friend Rebecca saw me and came and gave me a big hug.  Now it was time to go and thank everyone for coming.

There was an entire table of women from the Columbus Mothers of Twins Club there.  It was so nice of them to come and show their support and love towards me even though I had never really met most of them.  I had only been to 2 meetings before the boys were born and I hadn't gone back since I had been back in Columbus so this really showed me what a special group this is to be in.  My twins weren't here with me anymore, but that didn't mean I stopped being a mother of twins and I will always carry that title with me with pride.  I told all the women how jealous I was of them and told them to go home and hug and kiss their kids and tell them how special they are.

As I was going around to the different tables,  there were 2 things that people would say to me.  They of course would talk about Colin and Nathan and tell me how sorry they were and what a lovely ceremony that was...and the second would be questions about my Dad.  "What does he do for living?" "That was a fantastic eulogy!" "I could listen to your dad talk all day long!"  It was pretty humorous.  He did do an excellent job and I was just waiting for someone to hire him to speak at an event or something.

The lunch was wrapping up and people were starting to leave.  We were so grateful for everyone who came and I was just incredibly touched by the love we felt that day.

Since we had some family and friends from out of town, we invited them back to our house for a little bit.  Our parents, my brother, Kevin's cousin Lori and her husband Glenn and their two boys and then our friends Joe and Erin and their twin girls, all came back to our house.  It was great having them there.  I got to show Erin and Lori the boys things and they couldn't believe how small their diapers were and the blood pressure cuff.  I think it really hit them how tiny they were when the saw how small everything was.  I loved showing people their things and telling people about our boys.  I am not a mother who doesn't want to talk about them because it makes me sad.  My whole thing is that if I don't tell people about them, then no one is going to get to know them so it is my responsibility to tell their story because I was the only one that was with them every single day of their lives.

Although it was an extremely difficult and emotional day for me, I think the memorial was absolutely perfect as was the whole day.  Colin and Nathan will forever be my sons and nothing will ever change that.  I will see them again someday but for right now, I can only hope they visit me in my dreams.

"The Planning of the Memorial"

I knew that I wanted to have some sort of memorial for the boys but I wasn't sure how I wanted to go about it.  It was really important to me to have a ceremony to honor their lives and for our friends and family to have a time to come and pay their respects.  Even though no one got to meet our precious boys, they touched a lot of lives in the short time they were here with us.

I tried to think of who I wanted to lead the ceremony.  I was very hesitant in having the memorial in the Catholic church where Kevin and I got married in because I wasn't sure how the Priest was going to view our situation.  There were a few sayings that people say that I absolutely did not want to hear.  'It was God's plan', 'It was meant to be' and 'Everything happens for a reason' were some of them.  That's bullshit.  I am sorry, but it is.  You can not tell a mother who had her child die in her arms, TWICE, that it was meant to be.  You just can't.  Colin and Nathan were meant to come home with us.  They were meant to be spunky little boys, drive their mom and dad crazy with all the crying and screaming, and grow up to be perfect little gentleman.  They weren't meant to be born 3 months early and have that short of life.  I can't believe that.  So you can imagine my hesitation going to a man of God and worry about the fact that he might say that.  To be honest, I was mad at God for taking my babies away so early and I was scared the Priest was going to tell me that even though it sucks, this is what God had planned for Colin and Nathan.  

I was talking to my friend Sarah one day about everything and she told me her outlook on what had just happened and I still think to this day that it is one of the best ones I had heard so far and it made me feel good.  She said that God knew that Colin and Nathan were not going to live long so he wanted to give them to parents who would love them unconditionally and would do anything for them.  God knew that Kevin and I were the best fit.  He knew that Colin and Nathan would get to know what pure love felt like and that they would get more love in the short time they were here than most kids get in an entire lifetime.  That is the best reasoning yet.  Although it was, hands down, the hardest thing I will probably ever go through, I am so glad that we were able to give Colin and Nathan the love that they deserved.

But how to do the memorial was still in question.  To rent a room at the funeral parlor was going to be hundreds of dollars and I would still need to find someone to lead the ceremony.  My mom suggested a pastor friend of theirs that had been following our situation from the beginning.  I thought that was a good idea because it wouldn't be someone random and I could tell them what I wanted said and didn't want said.  But to coordinate the Pastors schedule with a time that worked for us and the funeral home was appearing to be a bit more difficult than I thought.  After further consideration and conversations with Kevin, we decided to meet with the Priest at the Catholic Church and talk about it.

Friday, January 31st was our first meeting with Reverend Hoover.  He was not the same guy who married Kevin and I and I was soon to find out that we made the right decision by doing the memorial in the church.  Reverend Hoover was a very kind man and very easy to talk to.  The Priest that married us wasn't very warm and kind of intimated me so I was glad that for this situation, we had someone that I felt comfortable opening up to.  

When I told him that I didn't want to hear that "It was God's plan" he responded very well to that.  He told me that God was the God of life and that he didn't pick Colin and Nathan to die so soon but that he would take care of them up in Heaven.  That was nice to hear.  Rev. Hoover said that if there was anyone close to the family that would speak at the memorial, that we could have someone besides just him.  Now I would have loved to stand up there and talk about our boys but I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand up there and not cry so we decided that the best person to do that would be my dad.  He was pretty much there through everything and got to see us experience it and not to mention he is an absolutely fantastic speaker.  It was a no brainer for Kevin and I.

That following Wednesday, we had a meeting with a lady at a funeral home that was not far from the church.  We were going to pick out the boys prayer cards.  We were going to choose what we wanted said on the back of each one of them.  I knew that for one of them, I wanted a poem that a friend had given me after the boys passed.  Cat Inkrott was a fellow member of the Columbus Mothers of Twins Club and she was also a NICU nurse at St. Ann's Hospital so she had a pretty good insight on what I had just gone through from the nurses perspective.  Anyway, she sent me this poem and it of course made me cry.  For months, I could not read it without crying.  It read:

God Saw You Getting Tired

- Anonymous

God saw you getting tired,

And a cure was not to be.

So He wrapped His arms around you,

And whispered, "Come to me."

With tearful eyes we watched you

And saw you pass away

And although we love you dearly

We could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating

When He gave you rest.

God's garden must be beautiful

He only takes the best.

When we arrived at the church, we met with a woman named Barb.  We went into her office and she pulled out a couple of binders to show us examples of pictures we could have on the front and different sayings we could have on the back of the prayer cards.  I had told her about the  God Saw You Getting Tired poem so we just needed to pick out one more.  She suggested certain ones that would pertain to the loss of a child and as Kevin and I were reading them, the tears started to form.  We were doing yet another thing that I never thought we would be doing for our children.  Since I had picked out the one poem, I told Kevin that he could make the final decision on the second one.  I was very happy with his decision.  The second poem read:

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children,

To dwell with Him above,

we mortals often question

The wisdom of His Love.

For no heartache compares

with the death of one small child,

who does so much to make this world

seem wonderful and mild. 

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold;

and so He picks a rosebud, before it can grow old. 

God knows how much we need them, and so He takes a few,

to make the land of heaven more beautiful to view. 

Believing this is difficult, but somehow We must try. 

The saddest word that mankind knows will always be good-bye.  

And so when little ones depart, we who are left behind,

must realize how much God loves little children,

for Angels are hard to find.

My whole thing, ever since we found out we were having identical twins, was that I wanted people to treat them as individuals.  They were already sharing so much in terms of looks, I wanted to make sure that people always viewed them as two separate human beings with two different personalities.  Even in death I wanted them to know so thats why I wanted to different poems instead of the same poem on each.  God Saw You Getting Tired made me think of Nathan.  He tried so hard to fight everything that came his way but towards the end, he was getting tired of the fighting and needed to rest and go be with his brother.  So that is why I put that poem on his card and Colin got the other one.

Nathan's Prayer card - Front and Back

Colin's Prayer Card - Front and Back

The planning was pretty much done other than one more meeting that we had with Rev. Hoover.  We met with him to finalize all the readings that were going to be read and how the ceremony would go.  Now we just had to wait a few more days.  I became very anxious because I knew that the day of the memorial would be yet another extremely difficult day for me. But I was going to get through it...maybe not with dry eyes, but with the love and support of my family and friends, I knew I would prevail and that it would be a lovely ceremony.

"Back to Cincinnati" (1/29/14)

Cincinnati will always hold a special place in my heart and even though it reminds me of the most horrific days of my entire existence, it is also the place that my babies were born and the first place where I got to hold them and touch them.  So my heart was conflicted on how I felt when we had to go back to Cincinnati.

We were going back to do a few things.  The first one was to return my breast pump since I was done with it.  The second was to go to the Vital Statistics office and pick up Colin and Nathan's Birth Certificates and their Death Certificates.  Did I really just say that?  Am I really picking up my sons DEATH Certificates?  This still can't be real, but yet, it is.  Looking back on it, everything happened so fast that I can't believe that I was returning to Cincinnati when it really felt like I had almost never left.  But that wasn't the worst of it...we were also picking up Colin and Nathan.  Their remains were ready and it was time for them to come home with us, but I never in my wildest nightmares thought it would be in the form of ashes.

It was a Wednesday which means Kevin took off work to go down with me.  Our first stop was quick and easy.  We arrived at the DME place and I just ran in, gave the pump to a lady, and rand back out.  The second stop wasn't so quick.  We put in the address to the Vital Statistics office and our GPS took us into a really crappy part of town.  We saw the building on our right but there was no parking lot or anything.  Kevin said he didn't feel comfortable leaving the Jeep parked on this street since he noticed gang graffiti all around and then he saw a man cross from the opposite side of the street onto our side of the street as soon as we pulled up.  Kevin, being a cops son, notices these things.  I told him that I would run in and get them and he could stay with the car.  He said that there was no way that he was going to let me run in alone.  I said, "I am here picking up our babies death certificates...do you really think people are going to want to mess with me right now?"  Kevin didn't care (as he shouldn't) and we pulled out and drove around to see if there was a nicer area that we could park.

We eventually found the opposite side of the building and low and behold, there was a parking lot for the building.  So we parked and then went in.  Once we got there, we had to fill out some forms.  I filled out the form for one baby, and Kevin filled out the form for the other.  Then we paid the people and had to wait.  We just sat there people watching.  Again we were in a bad part of town so I guess you could say, we were the minority in this crowd of people.

After a while, a woman came out and said "Parents of Nathan and COLON Kane!"  Can you believe it?  I was very particular on what we named our children so people wouldn't have a hard time pronouncing it and then here, this lady pronounces Colin's name Colon.  I was pissed.  I am already upset because of what we are doing today and she has to go and pronounce my dead sons name wrong.  Whatever.  The Certificates were ready and we had to look them over to make sure all the information was correct.  It was, but one thing that I didn't understand was why they had to put "DECEASED" stamped across their Birth Certificates.  We had their Death Certificates so why was it necessary to make it known on their BC that they were deceased?  I have my birth certificate and when I die, it will never have "DECEASED" written across it so why do they?  They lived, they breathed.  It didn't make sense to me.  But off we went with Certificates in hand and headed to our final destination.

We finally found this funeral parlor and crematory which sat up on a steep hill.  Here we go.  Kevin and I walked into this hallway filled with different kinds of urns.  From our waist up to the ceiling were individual compartments, each with their own earn in it.  We walked down the hallway to find an open office...with no one in it.  We walked down the other hallway into a room with more urns and then a bird.....in a cage.  Very strange.  We yelled out, "Hello!!"  But no one answered.  After a couple tries, I ran out to the car to get the phone number for the place and called them.  No one answered.  This was going great so far.

When I walked back in, Kevin was in the office and some one had come out of a secret door somewhere.  We told him who we were here to pick up so he went and got them.  Kevin and I stood there in silence.  The man came back out with 2 very tiny little bags of ashes with tags on them.  There were our children.  I couldn't believe it.  Our children's bodies were ashes now.  There are no words to describe the feeling of seeing your children turned to dust.

I had cried every single day since we got back to Columbus, but I do remember there was one day that I hadn't cried yet.  It was early evening and I was actually mad at myself that I hadn't cried.  So I started to think of something that I knew would make me cry and this was it.  I thought of their little, tiny bodies being cremated.  I know that is such an awful thing to think about but I did.  You all know how it works so I don't need to paint the picture of what I was envisioning but thinking about that hurt my heart.  Did it hurt them? Do you think their souls felt it happen?  I couldn't stand the thought of my babies being hurt or in any more pain that they had already been through.

I didn't have many days that I had to actually think of something to make myself cry because I cried every day.  People handle grief many different ways.  To me, I felt that Colin and Nathan deserved my tears everyday.  I felt that they needed to know that them being gone was still devastating and forever will be devastating and I thought they needed to see me cry to know.

I noticed the tag on Nathan's and it said "Nathan David Kane."  I told the man that "David" was not his middle name and I wanted to make sure we had the correct ashes.  He said it was our Nathan, it was just a mistake.  I wasn't very friendly at this moment and then the man did something completely rude and insensitive to make me even more mad.  He got out one tiny cylinder box and started to put both the ashes in that single box.  "Can we have two since they are 2 separate people?" I asked.  Then he looks over at the lady next to him and asks how much those things cost.  He wasn't going to charge us for them but he made it sound like we were putting them out a couple bucks because we wanted one for each of our children.  I'm sorry...what the F**K?  We are picking up our babies ashes and you are worried about a couple dollar box?  Give us the damn boxes with our babies in their own box and lets be on our way.  I was pissed at his insensitivity and sad all at the same time.  Kevin and I both started to tear up as we were watching him put the boys ashes in the boxes.  It was all so surreal.

I held both the boxes on my lap as we got into the car and tears started to drip down my face.  I looked over at Kevin and said, "This is the first time I am holding both our boys at the same time."  He grabbed my hand and told me he loved me and teared up himself.  What parents says that the first time holding their twins for the first time together was when they were just dust?  Me...thats who.  It was a sad car ride home to Columbus just like the last time.  But we had our boys and they were coming home to be with us.  I held them so tightly that trip.  It's completely not the same thing, but I felt like when I hugged the boxes, I was hugging them and that they could feel it.

It wasn't easy going back to Cincinnati and although it was very difficult, I am very glad that Colin and Nathan are home where they belong.

Our little shrine to Colin and Nathan.

"New Babies"

I wasn't the only one that was pregnant at work.  There were 3 other girls pregnant and then Shawn's wife was pregnant with their second child.  Donna, Rhyan, and Shawn's wife, Morgann, were all pregnant with little girls while Emily was pregnant with one little boy.  Emily wasn't due until April, but Donna's little girl arrived around Christmas time and then Rhyan and Morgann had their little girls in the middle of January.  I was real excited to see them so when I was able to, I went to go visit those precious babies.

Being that they were girls made it so much easier.  I don't think that if they were boys that I would go visit them because the last baby boys that I held were mine.  I went to go visit Donna's little girl, Riley, at their house one day and then I went to go visit Morgann and Shawn's little girl, Emma, while they were in the hospital.  I was so happy for them.  Those girls were extremely sweet and I am very surprised that it was so easy for me to see new born babies after everything that happened.

Just like Jessica's gender reveal party, these moments were exciting for them...it wasn't about me.  If they wanted to ask me questions then I was happy to answer but I wasn't going to hold those babies and start to cry and make it all about me.  I held my composure and enjoyed every moment of holding a healthy and happy little baby.  When I was in the hospital with Shawn and Morgann, Emma needed a diaper changed and I asked if I could do it.  Something so minimal as changing a diaper made me so happy.  Emma started screaming and thrashing while I was doing it and I loved every moment of it.  She was screaming with an extremely wet diaper.  What parent wouldn't be happy about either one of those?  Of course, my view is a little different.  I am not sure that most parents would be as excited and realize the importance of a wet diaper and strong lungs.

I was jealous, of course.  Here they are with beautiful, healthy and strong babies and I am left with just memories.  But jealousy and happiness were my only emotions towards these parents.  These people are wonderful people and I would never want them to experience the pain that I felt.  I would give anything to hear my babies cry and scream and pee all over the place.  I knew that because of what Kevin and I went through, that we would be better parents for it.  I knew we wouldn't take the little things for granted.  I knew when our future children would have blow outs or be crying at all hours of the night, that we wouldn't trade it for anything in the entire world.

The week after I visited Riley and Emma, I went to Rhyan's house to visit her brand new baby, Reese.  Another beautiful baby girl to hold, to love and to watch grow.  The Westar (name of the place where I work) Family was growing.  Rhyan has a little boy as well and she was telling me that when he says his prayers at night, that he always mentions Colin and Nathan.  That was so touching to hear.  I know Colin and Nathan were soaking up all the prayers that came their way.

I embraced the brand new bundles of joy but was not yet ready to meet a brand new baby boy.  We had some time before I knew of any new boys that were going to enter the world so hopefully time will help get me stronger so I will be ready to embrace the little baby boys just as much as I did these precious baby girls.

"Therapy, Work and a Family Visit"

I spent my time doing one of two things.  The first was watching TV.  I had to choose shows that would take my mind off of my children.  The Real Housewives of Orange County or Beverly Hills were at the top of my list of shows that I could just get lost in.  There was no violence (other than bitch slapping or throwing glasses of wine) and there was no death of children or twins.  Those types of shows are what got me through many months.  I had to take breaks from crying and they did that for me.

The second thing I would do would be to organize all the pictures of our boys on the computer.  I took pictures from Kevin's phone and from mine and put them together in chronological order and did my best to write captions for them.  That was hard to do but completely necessary.  I needed those pictures.  I couldn't hold my babies in my arms any more so this was the closest I could get to seeing them.  I cried so hard looking at those pictures; remembering what each day brought to our family.  Some happiness, some (most) extreme pain.  But it had to be done.

After each of the boys died, we got all their belongings.  We got all the sheets that were in each of the incubators the day they died, we got all their labels that were taped to their incubator, such as their name tag, suction length sign, and even their thermometer.  The day before Colin passed, I asked for both of the boy's first hats.  I was so glad I did that because they would have either washed and re-used, or thrown out Nathan's since he grew out of his.  But I did have quite a few things for each of the boys so I wanted to get something special to put them in.  I ended up finding two chests at Hobby Lobby that I thought would be perfect.

White one is Nathan's and the Dark one is Colin's

I put each of their belongings in their own chest so I could go look at all their tiny things whenever I wanted.  If the house was burning down and I had to save 1 thing (given that Kevin and the pets were safe) I would grab these two chests.  Other than my memories, these chests are all I had left of them.

With all that keeping me busy, it was finally Wednesday.  I get to go see my therapist, whose name is also Kelli.  After my appointment with her, I was going to head to work to discuss what my plan was on returning.  With the box of kleenex packed in my purse, I headed to therapy.

When I arrived, I just sat there in the lobby, incredibly sad.  I was going to tell her everything.  It's not like she knew bits and pieces of what happened.  I am sure she saw me on her schedule and was expecting to open the door and see a pregnant Kelly sitting there.  Instead, she got the most depressed and sad Kelly she had ever seen.  Still in the lobby, I listened to the music they were playing.  It was very calm and soothing music; just like I played for Nathan.  Hearing that was extremely difficult and  it kept bringing me back to him and the joy he brought me when we did skin-to-skin and the heartache it brought me because he died in my arms.

Kelli opened the door with a big smile on her face.  She saw me and knew something was wrong.  Walking back to her office I could feel the tears building up inside.  We got into the room, she shut the door and she told me that I didn't look ok.  I sat on the couch and began sobbing.  As I was trying to catch my breath every few seconds I began to tell her. Kelli just sat there, not saying a word, while I told her everything that happened.  Every day, begining with the day we got diagnosed up until the day Nathan died.  She listened.  That is all I needed her to do was listen.  I had to tell someone, start to finish, what I just went through.  I had to say it out loud.  I cried through the entire thing.  Kelli cried right along with me.   

My story was over and so was my hour.  It is extremely sad to know that I can tell my children's entire life story in one single hour.  She wanted me to come see her every week for a while and I had no problem with that.  I needed to get through this and I knew that she was going to help.  With red and puffy eyes, it was now time to go to work and face everyone who when the last time they saw me, I was pregnant.

Walking up the stairs to work was bitter sweet.  This isn't the last time I would have the feeling of "I shouldn't be here unless I am still pregnant or have my 2 babies with me."  I walked through the doors and around the corner to the Therapists ally.  The first person I saw was my friend Nikki.  She was one of the first person I told when Kevin and I started even trying to get pregnant and then again when we finally did get pregnant.  She gave me a hug and had tears in her eyes.  She was so happy to see me.  Many other friends/coworkers (where I work, friends and co-workers are one in the same) gave me hugs and then I went around the corner into the front office where my partner in crime, Kim, and my office manager (aka- work mom) sat.  More hugs.  I couldn't get enough of them.  I set my things down and told them I was going to talk with Lori, our boss.

Going into her office I told her my reservations about coming back to work but also that I had no reason not to return.  I didn't have babies at home to take care of so there was really no reason that I should stop working all together.  My biggest fear about returning to work would be the complaining.  Working in a physical therapy clinic, you hear a lot of complaints from patients and I honestly didn't think I could have someone be sitting at my desk and bitch about how this is ruining their lives or how horrible their life was.  I couldn't hear it.  They had no idea what I just went through and I am not saying that other people don't have tragedy and pain in their lives, I just couldn't hear bitching all day long.

And everyone knows the types of questions you get depending on what stage of life you are in.  If you are Boyfriend/Girlfriend, it is "When are you getting Married?"  As soon as you get married the question is "When are you going to have kids?" or "Do you have kids?"  It was those questions that I was worried about.  What would I say?  I have 2 boys. I had 2 boys?  It was all too fresh for me to answer those questions that strangers would ask.  I know they don't mean anything by it but it had such a newer meaning to me now and I couldn't say that I didn't have children.  I was no where near ready to discount the fact that I had them.

We talked for a while and I would talk about what happened in Cincinnati and start to cry.  Lori was so understanding.  They wanted me to return to work and they were going to do anything to help me through it.  I knew that if I did return, there would be days that I wanted as little patient interaction as possible.  My boys were always on my mind and it wasn't going to be easy to get through every day with a huge smile on my face.

The plan was for me to finish out my maternity leave.  I still gave birth and with a C-Section, I was given 8 weeks maternity leave so I mine as well finish it out.  I told Lori that I wanted to start on a Friday.  Those are usually slower days and it would give me a chance to ease into work and see how it goes.  February 7th was going to be my first day back.

I went back out to the front office and sat down in a chair.  We were talking about how things were going without me being at work and how everything is pretty much the same other than me not being there.  I am glad it wasn't that busy at that time because I started to cry in the chair.  Joy got up and gave me a huge hug and started to cry herself.  I can't even begin to explain how depressed I was to be back at work and not be pregnant.  I remember my last day at work before Kevin and I left for Cincinnati.  It was that Monday after we got diagnosed and all I could think about was the possibility of loosing my boys.   I was extremely scared that day and it was so incredibly hard to concentrate.  I had sent out an email to everyone while I was at work explaining why I was so sad and crying randomly throughout the day.

It was very crucial that I start back at work after my maternity leave was up.  I knew that I needed something to occupy my time.  I could not sit at home and sulk and cry everyday for the rest of my life.  Getting back into a normal routine would be good for me and even though it was hard to imagine at the time doing anything other than sit at home and cry over my dead babies, I was looking forward to a distraction.

My day of errands was over and it was time to go home and watch meaningless television to give my eyes and brain a much needed rest.

That following weekend, my brother-in-law, Jeff, and my Father-in-Law came into town.  The day we got home from Cincinnati, Kevin had talked to them and they wanted to come down that following weekend.  I told Kevin I didn't want any house guests that weekend.  I really wanted to be alone when I was home and didn't feel like entertaining or having to cook or clean or do anything for that matter (other than the gender reveal party).  So they came the second weekend we were home which was fine.

I honestly can't remember what we did that weekend except for one thing.  One night they were here, we all sat around the kitchen table to play euchre.  All the Kane men had their Killian's in one hand and their cards in the other.  It was bound to happen that someone would make a funny comment and everyone would start laughing since that is what usually happens during euchre.  Usually we are making fun of my Father-in-Law because he doesn't pay attention to the game and cares more about the stories that are being told then whose turn it is.  But something was said and Kevin and Jeff and my FIL start laughing so hard that they are crying.  Me, on the other hand, just start to cry.  I can't bring myself to laugh.   Having fun right after my babies died didn't seem right to me.  I wanted to laugh.  I really did.  It was funny but wanting to laugh made me cry even harder, so I ended up excusing myself and running upstairs, balling my eyes out.

Kevin followed and asked me what was wrong.  I told him the reason, whether it was stupid or not.  He asked me, "Would Colin and Nathan want to look down and see their mom sad and depressed all the time?  No.  They want their mom to be happy.  They would have a smile on their faces right now if they saw their mom laughing and smiling along with family.  They don't want you to be sad."  I knew he was right.  I knew that Colin and Nathan only want their mom and dad to be happy, but it was a hard step to get over.  In my mind, I needed them to look down on me and see that I was still mourning their loss.  To me, laughing meant that I was completely over it and have moved on already.  I'm not saying that it was the right way to handle it or to grieve, but that is the only way I knew how.  It would take a long time before I went a day without crying or a day where I could laugh really hard and smile, and not feel any guilt.  That day would come, but it wasn't today.

I did pull myself together after a few minutes alone and went back down to finish the game.  I've never dealt with grief like this in my life so it was going to take me a while to figure out how to live with a shattered heart.  I knew there were going to be moments that would be harder than others and I knew that someday, I would go a day without crying but there will never, EVER, be a day that I don't think about Colin and Nathan.