"Remembering Nathan" (1/7/15)

I wasn't planning on being in a hospital with a baby in my arms on the 1 year anniversary of Nathan's death.  I had planned on doing the same thing I did with Colin and go through Nathan's chest of belongings that evening.  If going through Colin's things was incredibly difficult, I knew going through Nathan's items was going to be so much harder, just because I had so many more memories with him.  But I wasn't going to get to that that night.  I got to be with my healthy, happy, screaming son instead.

That day, when nurses would come in,  they would ask me if this was my first child.  It is a question that is so common and I am prepared to give people the truth.  I would tell them that I had twin boys last December and they both passed after birth and that today is the 1 year anniversary of my son Nathan's death.  As Labor and Delivery nurses, they experience mothers loosing babies more than the average person so they were all very sympathetic and didn't say anything stupid like some people do.

I thought about Nathan often that day.  But for some reason, I didn't cry.  I think that Sean was my gift from him, or at least his arrival a few days earlier than scheduled was.  I think that Nathan didn't want me to be sad on his 1 year anniversary so he had Sean come the day before so I would be incredibly happy.  And I was.  I loved every minute of being with Sean in my hospital room.   The TV in the room was probably on maybe 1 hour my entire stay and even then it was on mute.  The cuddles, the coos, the smirks....I couldn't get enough.  Oh...and the DIAPERS!!! The Wet and Poopy diapers.  How happy was I!  I loved changing them (are you shocked?).  Sean's insides were working perfectly and his lungs were strong.  What more could a mother ask for?

So even though this day wasn't the day that I was mentally preparing for all along, it was a nice surprise.  I have no doubt in my mind that both Colin and Nathan were in the hospital with us and were enjoying seeing their mother so incredibly happy.  What a difference a year makes.  This is how a mother should feel.  My heart was full, my heart was smiling and knowing my two oldest sons would always be watching over Sean, comforted me in so many ways.  We are going to make sure that Colin and Nathan will always be a part of our children's lives and that they will know what amazing brothers they have.