The next morning I woke up and all I wanted to do was go see
my babies. I didn’t care about eating breakfast;
I didn’t want to shower, I just wanted to spend time with my sons. I hadn’t seen them since an hour after they
were born. I was still very sore from
my C-Section. Dr. Valerie Allen was a
Resident Doctor who was with me in Labor and Delivery since I had arrived. I felt very comfortable with her the entire
time I had been in the hospital. She
always had a positive outlook on my situation and would reassure me that
everything was going to be O.K. I know
doctors are sometimes put in between a rock and a hard place because they
sometimes don’t know what the overall outcome is going to be and they can’t
give me great news all the time. I get
where they were coming from but Val, as we called her, told it like it was but
then said that it could end up completely fine.
She always ended with a positive note and I liked that about her.
Anyway, she came in to check on me that morning as we were
waking up. She was there for my
C-Section assisting Dr. DeFranco so she looked at my incision and she said it
looked great! It did hurt to sit up and
then stand up, but once I was stayed put, I didn’t feel much. I had no idea what kind of pain my babies
were feeling, if they felt any, so there was absolutely no complaining coming
from my mouth about my physical pain.
After Kevin showered real quick, I hopped in my wheelchair
and Kevin pushed me down to the NICU. We
went to visit Colin first. At that time,
the Doctors were doing rounds and they just happen to be talking about
Colin.
 |
| Colin and his Mom |
 |
| Colin and his Dad |
They asked if I wanted to listen
but I told them ‘No’ because I wouldn’t know what they were talking about
anyway so I would just wait for the ‘dumbed down’ version. While they were talking, I just stood over
Colin’s incubator and cried.
He was so so tiny. He was hooked up to an Oscillator, which is a
type of breathing machine that gives little puffs of breaths very rapidly. I had never seen one before and since it made
Colin’s belly move very fast, as a mom, I was scared. After the Attending was done, he came up to us
and basically told us that Colin was a very sick baby.
I have to be honest.
Being a NICU mom was all new to me at this point. It didn’t take me till days later to
understand how things ran and what kind of things to listen for or how to read
the monitors. So with Colin, I just knew
he was a sick baby and I, personally, either didn’t comprehend all the medical
terminology that they used to describe his condition or I blocked it out of my
memory. But talking with Kevin and the
nurses later on, they said that his potassium was very high which affected his
kidneys. And since his kidneys were not
working, he was not producing any urine.
He also had very bad perfusion.
He was so dark. The oscillator
was turned up to 100% like they said the night before. This means that the Oscillator is doing 100%
of the breathing for him. Colin could
not even breathe a little bit on his own.
 |
| Colin with his eyes open :) |
After spending a lot of time with Colin, we decided to head
over to see Nathan. He was so sweet. The nurse said that he was doing very
well. That made us happy!
 |
| Nathan and his Mom |
 |
| Nathan |
After
spending an hour or so in the NICU, Kevin and I went back to my room. I needed to pump and take a pain pill. We would head back a little later.
 |
| Nathan under Billie Lights |
Colin was still not doing great. The nurses basically alluded to the fact that
he probably wasn’t going to make it. He
just was such as sick baby that there wasn’t much more they could do. They
asked us what we would want to be done if his heart started to slow down or
went into cardiac arrest. We could have
them resuscitate him or we could just let him pass. What are you talking about? He just got here!
He can’t leave us! I just didn’t know how to handle this news. But we had to decide something. So we told them that unless it would bring us
a lifetime with him, then we did not want to resuscitate him. We didn’t want him to suffer any more just so
we could have an extra few hours with him.
So after hearing this news it was very hard to leave him. We knew that having years with him and even
months was out of the question. But
would we have weeks? Days? Or hours? Once
again, the UNKNOWN was staring us in the face.
 |
| Kevin and Colin |
Kevin and I would just sit by his incubator and hold his
tiny hand and rub his head. “What am I going to do without you?" I asked Colin with tears streaming down my face. “I want you here with me! I know your Grandma is up in heaven but she
can’t have you! You’re supposed to stay with your Dad and me! You and Nathan are supposed to play outside
like little boys do and learn to play hockey like your father.” The pain I was
feeling was indescribable. I continued
to tell Colin, “I am so sorry that there was a quick second that I didn’t want
you. I know I didn’t want twins and I
know I didn’t want boys, but I seriously wouldn’t have it any other way. I am sorry if that is the reason that this is
happening.” When going through something
like this, I tried to think of something to blame it on. Was it because I didn’t want twins for a
moment or is it because I wanted girls and not boys? There had to be SOME reason this was
happening.
We spent so much time just sitting by Colin. My hand in his incubator rubbing his head and
my forehead planted against the plastic as I stared at my babies tiny little
body. Tears would start and stop, come
and go. I told Kevin that he would have
to ask to touch him because I was a baby hog and unless he told me to move, I
was not going anywhere. I knew my time
with my first born was only going to last a little bit longer so there was
nothing I wanted to do but be by his side and watch his stillness.
That evening, a nurse asked if we would like to get them Baptized. We never thought our babies would be Baptized
in the NICU but we knew this was the right thing to do since Colin wasn’t going
to be with us in the physical world much longer. The nurse said that if any other family were
with us that they would be allowed in for the Baptism. My Mom and Dad were in my hospital room so we
called them to come down as the nurse called a Catholic Priest to come perform
the ceremony.
My parents arrived while we were at Colin’s bedside. This was the first time they were meeting
their grandson. The priest arrived and
began the ceremony: Kevin and I on one side, my parents on the other, and tears
coming from both sides. We were doing
this because we knew that Colin wasn’t going to make it and we would not be
able to do it properly in a Church surrounded by all of our friends and
family. Jeff, Kevin’s brother, was
probably going to be Colin’s Godfather.
It was so sad that he never got to meet him and that he couldn’t be there
to watch his Godson and Nephew get Baptized.
Just like their birth, an event such as a Baptism should be full of joy,
but instead it was filled with sadness.
The priest had a little seashell that he put the holy water
in. As he drew the cross on Colin’s
head, we took a washcloth to wipe it up.
That white washcloth was now their baptismal blanket. Next, it was Nathan’s turn. We headed into his POD and performed the
ceremony again. My brother, Dan, was going to be Nathan’s Godfather so of
course I wish he were here to meet his nephews and Godson. Nathan’s baptism was still sad but not as sad
as Colin’s was. I think since Nathan had
been doing well, it didn’t hold the same meaning as Colin’s did; At least not
in my eyes. To me, Colin’s was to make
sure he was baptized before he went to Heaven whereas Nathan’s was just because
we were already doing Colin’s and mine-as-well do Nathan’s. I know it was too early to tell, but I had a
good feeling about Nathan. I pictured us
doing this Baptism on him in the NICU but then holding another ceremony in a
Church in Columbus when he came home with us.
The ceremonies were over.
We were given the two seashells used for the holy water and we kept
their baptismal blanket. I also wanted
to make sure I got a few things before they were gone. I made sure that night that I picked up both
of the hats that they were wearing right after they were born. Since I wasn’t the one to dress my own babies
or even care for them at first for that matter, I needed to make sure I got as
many things that they used as possible.
If anything good came out of this night, besides the
baptism, it was that my parents got to meet their grandsons. If there was a baby in the NICU, only the
baby’s mom and dad were able to come visit.
Colin and Nathan were born in the heart of RSV season. There was an entire POD with just RSV
babies. It’s a respiratory virus and to
restrict extended family coming in the NICU that could possibly be carrying the
flu was a precaution that the NICU took.
If they were born in the summer than our parents and our brothers would
probably be aloud to come visit.
This night had been so emotional for Kevin and I. The right thing to say would be that this
night was a ‘Bittersweet’ moment. But I
can’t say that. To me, it was just bitter. Getting them Baptized in the NICU meant that
they might never make it out of there.
People would tell us that having a baby in the NICU would be a
rollercoaster ride. One day you are
talking about making sure the nursery is done for when they come home and then
the next you are wondering if they are ever going to see the light of day or
feel the warmth of the sun on their skin.
We were on two rollercoasters. At
this moment, Nathan’s ride was just beginning and heading upwards. Colin’s ride, also at the beginning, was
already heading downward and about to come to and end and let me tell you…the
coming down part is the scariest thing in the world.
I struggled with whether or not to sleep next to Colin that
night. He wasn’t feeling well and I
wanted him to know that his mommy loved him and would be with him when he
needed me. But I didn’t know if we had a
few days with him or if I left to go back to my room, if that would be the last
time I would see my baby alive. I asked
the nurse what her thoughts were. She
said that he wasn’t showing severe signs of anything at the moment. But she told us that they had my room number
and would come get us if anything started to happen. So we said our Goodnights to our babies. I said a tearful ‘Goodbye’ to Colin just in
case he needed to leave us suddenly, and we went back to my hospital room.
Tears and screams were the only things I could manage to
produce the rest of the evening. I do
remember standing next to my bed, basically hyperventilating because I was
crying so hard and saying, “I’m never going to hold my baby alive!!!!” My legs
gave out from under me, I fell on my bed, I buried my face in my hands and was
instantly cocooned by Kevin’s arms. I
told Kevin right then and there that if this experience has taught me anything,
it’s that I HAVE to be a Mom. There is
no question in my mind. I want more kids
if anything. And I didn’t say this to
mean that I wanted to replace my babies.
At this point we were not sure what the future held for Nathan. I just wanted more kids. I knew from the moment that they were
conceived that I was born to be a mother and with the birth of Colin and
Nathan, it just reaffirmed my feelings that this is what I am supposed to
be. If being a good mom is all that I
accomplish in my lifetime, then I will die happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment