"Skin-to-Skin" (12/15/13)

My night nurse that night decided that I had been through enough and I didn’t need to be bothered in the middle of the night to get my vitals taken.  So she let me sleep through the night with no interruptions.   I woke the next morning crying just thinking about my baby.  I cried in the shower, I cried getting dressed.  Everything was harder to do now that I didn’t have my baby.  But I still had Nathan waiting for me in the NICU and I knew I had to be strong for him.  Nathan no longer has his brother to play with or to share a crib with. He doesn’t have a brother to build forts with or play cops and robbers with.  Nathan is now the only child with his older brother looking out for him in Heaven.  How was I going to explain this to Nathan when he got to an age when he could understand?  Since they were identical, I knew that when I would look at Nathan at the age of 3 or 15, it would be a reminder of what Colin would have looked like.  In a way, that was pretty cool to think about.  Most parents that loose a child wouldn’t ever know what their kid would have looked like, but I would have.  Nathan would have been my view into what Colin would have looked like. 

Bridget, the surgical nurse in L+D, came to visit me that morning before we headed down to the NICU.  She was so kind.  I told her what had happened last night with Colin and she cried along with me as I told her the story. There was a picture on my doorframe of a maple leaf, which I am guessing meant that I had lost a baby, so everyone walking into my room would know.   I showed her the pictures that Ruth Ann took and all his stuff that we had gotten. 

It was Sunday the 15^th and the Nurse said I could be discharged from the hospital either today or the next day.  I told her that Monday would be fine.  If I had the option to be down the hall from my baby for longer, I was going to take it.  I told them that I would gladly move into that room for the time being if they would let me but I was obviously not allowed, unfortunately. 

After I was all ready, Kevin wheeled me down to the NICU.  All our focus was now just on Nathan.  He was doing so well and I was so happy.  When we got to his bedside, his nurse that day was Meaghann.  We had never met her before but she was very nice.  And she immediately became my favorite nurse when she asked, “Would you like to do Skin-to-Skin today?”  “OH MY GOODNESS!! Are you serious!?  I can hold my baby?!”  I couldn’t believe it.  I was going to get to hold Nathan for the first time and it wasn’t because he was at the end of his life.    I was so elated as one can imagine.  Nathan knew exactly what to give his Mom to make her feel a little bit better. 

Meaghann and the Respiratory Therapist started to get things set up.  They wheeled over dividers for some privacy and brought over a recliner for me to sit in.  I took my shirt off and put a hospital gown on so it opened in the front.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  This was probably the happiest I had been since before we got diagnosed with TTTS.  You would think that the day they were born would have been a happy day for us but it wasn’t.  I did not want them to come into the world yet.  And when I met them for the first time, I didn’t know what was going to happen so the fear over shadowed my happiness of meeting my sons.  I know some people might not understand that but that is how I felt.   Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to meet them and touch them, but right then, in that moment of being able to do skin-to-skin with Nathan, that was pure Joy. 

I sat down in the recliner just waiting for them to put my baby on my chest.  They opened his incubator, lifted him up and set him right on me. I cannot explain the feeling I had in that moment.  I was holding my ‘very much alive’ little boy and I could feel his feet moving on my stomach and his hands opening and closing on my chest.  I got to kiss my sons forehead, which was absolutely amazing.  I probably kissed him 100 times while holding him.  They got him all settled and put a blanket over him to keep him warm.  After he was all warm and cozy in his mothers’ arms, Meaghann and the therapist left me alone with my son.  Kevin sat right beside me while he watched the mother of his son beam with joy, while his 2^nd born was perfectly content being in the arms of his mother.

Mom, Dad, and Nathan

Nathan holding onto his Dad
Mom holding onto Nathan.

 The whole time I was holding him, we would be watching his monitor.  We slowly learned what all the numbers meant.  There were his SATs, his Oxygen, and his heart rate.  I called his SATS his “Happy Number”.  The higher the number, the better he was.  And if he was SATing around 97 or higher, that meant that they could lower his oxygen percentage.  So if his oxygen was at 50%, that meant that the ventilator was doing 50% of the breathing for him and he was doing the rest on his own.  Nathan was high SATing the whole time I was holding him which made me feel really good.  He was enjoying this time with his Mom and for me; there was nowhere else I would rather be.

As I was holding him, he kept lifting his head off of my chest.  It was very cute.  He was wiggling his legs and his arms, which felt amazing against my skin.  I got to hold him for a little over an hour.  That was the best hour of my life.  It went so well and Nathan really seemed to take to it.  I had Kevin turn on my Pandora to my Calm Meditation station.  I thought Nathan would like some soothing music and I hope it was a nice break from hearing all the beeps and alarms that sounded in the NICU.   

Holding my sweet boy!

Skin-to-Skin is so good for both the Mom and the baby.  For Nathan, my chest can transfer antibodies to him, which is so good for preemies, and he was able to feel my heartbeat so he can learn and practice breathing like his mom.  It is very calming for him.   As for me, it is great for a mothers milk supply and Nathan was getting my milk at this point because I was producing enough for him.  There are so many wonderful things about Skin to Skin and I felt so lucky to be able to do that so soon.

I never thought I could be so happy yet so sad all in the same moment.  Here I am, a mother who just lost one of her babies the night before and is still grieving over that, and then I get this wonderful gift of being able to hold my second child with no repercussions.

Meaghann came to check on Nathan and I a couple times throughout the hour.  She let me go about an hour and 20 min with him.  She checked his temperature and he was getting a bit chilly so we decided to put him back in to warm up.  I could have held him forever, yes, but I wanted to do what was best for Nathan, so if he needed to warm up, then we needed to put him back in his incubator.  I felt so good after that.  I couldn’t believe I just held my baby!  Most new moms take holding their babies for granted or don’t even realize that some moms, like myself, don’t get to hold their own babies right away.  They don’t know how lucky they are to be able to just swoop up their baby and hold them.  With Nathan, it is a production.  It’s not something that can happen in a second.  It has to involve at least 2 nurses and they have to make sure his breathing tube is taped to my shoulder so it doesn’t pull on him.  So many little steps just to be able to hold my child.  So I never did and never will take holding my baby for granted.  It is truly a gift.

After my very first Skin-to-Skin, we went back to my room to pump, eat lunch and to tell our parents of our wonderful experience!  We went back to the NICU a handful of times that day.  I always would make sure I was down there for his care so I could change his diaper and hold up his feeding tube.  Although this isn’t the typical situation for after having a baby, I wasn’t going to complain or take anything for granted at this point.  I was being the best mom I could be to Nathan and Kevin was being the best Dad that he could be.  We were just happy that the tiniest baby in the NICU was doing as well as he was for his situation.