"Remembering Nathan" (1/7/15)

I wasn't planning on being in a hospital with a baby in my arms on the 1 year anniversary of Nathan's death.  I had planned on doing the same thing I did with Colin and go through Nathan's chest of belongings that evening.  If going through Colin's things was incredibly difficult, I knew going through Nathan's items was going to be so much harder, just because I had so many more memories with him.  But I wasn't going to get to that that night.  I got to be with my healthy, happy, screaming son instead.

That day, when nurses would come in,  they would ask me if this was my first child.  It is a question that is so common and I am prepared to give people the truth.  I would tell them that I had twin boys last December and they both passed after birth and that today is the 1 year anniversary of my son Nathan's death.  As Labor and Delivery nurses, they experience mothers loosing babies more than the average person so they were all very sympathetic and didn't say anything stupid like some people do.

I thought about Nathan often that day.  But for some reason, I didn't cry.  I think that Sean was my gift from him, or at least his arrival a few days earlier than scheduled was.  I think that Nathan didn't want me to be sad on his 1 year anniversary so he had Sean come the day before so I would be incredibly happy.  And I was.  I loved every minute of being with Sean in my hospital room.   The TV in the room was probably on maybe 1 hour my entire stay and even then it was on mute.  The cuddles, the coos, the smirks....I couldn't get enough.  Oh...and the DIAPERS!!! The Wet and Poopy diapers.  How happy was I!  I loved changing them (are you shocked?).  Sean's insides were working perfectly and his lungs were strong.  What more could a mother ask for?

So even though this day wasn't the day that I was mentally preparing for all along, it was a nice surprise.  I have no doubt in my mind that both Colin and Nathan were in the hospital with us and were enjoying seeing their mother so incredibly happy.  What a difference a year makes.  This is how a mother should feel.  My heart was full, my heart was smiling and knowing my two oldest sons would always be watching over Sean, comforted me in so many ways.  We are going to make sure that Colin and Nathan will always be a part of our children's lives and that they will know what amazing brothers they have.

"A WANTED Birthday" (1/6/15)

Christmas was over.  We stayed in town and had our parents come to us since I was not comfortable being hours away from our hospital so close to Sean's due date.  It was a lovely Christmas even though we were planning on having 2 little boys with us for this one but the joy of knowing Sean was about to arrive made it so much better.  I had ornaments made for us and our immediate family so they could always look at their tree's and think of our boys.

"Always Remember"

With the scheduled C-Section right around the corner, I got into my nesting mode.  I was making sure everything was pretty much ready for when Sean came home.  We put the crib together, all his clothes were washed and ready to keep him warm, and my hospital bag was packed....well sort of.

For Sean's crib, I wanted to have Angel Wings on both ends of it so when Sean would be sleeping, his brothers would always be watching over him. I thought they turned out quite nicely.  

I was still working long hours since we were short staffed.  I would say I was working 10-12 hour days for a good stretch of time.  I had so much energy towards the end of this pregnancy that the long hours didn't seem to bother me.  I felt like the little-engin-that-could.  Maybe I was just getting extremely excited to meet my full-term, healthy little boy.

The c-section was scheduled for Monday, January 12th.  I thought that was so cool because Colin and Nathan were born on the 12th of December so I didn't think it was just a coincidence that Sean was going to come on the 12th as well.  All I had to do was get through the anniversary of Nathan's passing and then I could really start being completely focused on Sean's arrival.

With his arrival scheduled for a Monday, I was planning on working up through that Friday before.  Working with patients, I kept telling them that I would see them later that week unless Sean decides to come early.  At this point I was fine with Sean arriving at anytime because I knew he was full term and healthy.  But I really didn't want him to arrive on the 7th.  The 7th was Nathan's day.

It was the weekend of January 3rd and my mom and I went to get Mani-Pedi's so I could have a little last minute pampering before Sean came.  That weekend I could really tell that my body was getting ready for him to arrive.  I still had never experienced labor so I this part was all new to me.  The cramps were a little bit more intense and I could just tell that my body was starting to prepare.

Well, Tuesday the 6th rolls around and I go to work like normal.  I am feeling pretty good in the morning and then by 3 pm, I start getting really bad pain.  To be quite honest and super personal...I really thought I just had to use the restroom and I would have felt better.  I would be standing up talking to someone and have to bend over due some cramping.  It was around 4 pm that I decided that I was gonna go home and lay down.

Driving home I looked at the clock and my eyes got really big.  I am having these pains about 7-8 minutes apart!  Could this be?  Could I be in labor?  When I get home I go right upstairs and lie down on my bed and get out my timer.  Yup....7 minutes apart.  What do I do?  My doctors and I never discussed what to do if I started having contractions.  They just told me that if I start to bleed or my water breaks to then go to hospital.  So what do I do?  I call my friend Brittany who just had her second child less than a month and a half ago.

I told her how I was feeling and she told me that it sounds like I was in Labor and that I should call my Doctor to make sure.  So I did and since it was after hours, a nurse called me back a little bit later.   She told me that this could go away but if they start getting more intense and 3-5 minutes apart than go to the hospital.

After hearing that, I called....my mom.  She was in town and I told her that I am fine right now and that it could go away but if we do go to the hospital than I would call her.  I had not called Kevin yet. I wasn't going to because I didn't want him to freak out and leave his patients if I didn't need to go to the hospital yet.  But my mom said that I should call him to make him aware.

At this point it was around 6 pm and I called Kevin and told him to not rush home but I was having contractions.  I knew that if I was going to have this baby tonight that I should not eat anything, so I told him to drive through somewhere and get himself dinner (because he wouldn't be eating anything for a while if we were going to the hospital).

The time in between started getting shorter and shorter.  Kevin got home around 7:15, came right upstairs to check on me and even though they were getting extremely painful, I told him we didn't need to go to the hospital yet so he should go eat his food.  After he was done eating he came back up and then I said, "Ok, now it's time to go to the hospital."  We both started to pack our bags, me stopping every time I had a contraction to breathe heavily.  Holy Moly contractions hurt like the dickens.

I called my mom and told her we were on our way and she was going to meet us there.  Once we got up to the labor and delivery unit around 8:15 pm (after a slow and steady walk through the halls) they put me in triage, hooked me up to monitors and checked me.  I was already 6 cm Dilated!  WOAH!  That went fast!  We were going to have Sean tonight and quickly.  Luckily, my doctor was the Doctor on duty that night so that made me extremely happy.  

Moments away from meeting Sean!

My mom got there but I didn't see her because everything was happing so quickly.  As they were wheeling me into the O.R. I had a huge smile on my face.  I knew that Sean was going to be fine and this is how a mother should feel when about to give birth.  The last time I did this, I had tears of fear and sadness in my eyes.  Some moms might have the fear of the surgery or the pain.  Not me.  Not now, and not ever.  The only thing I had was a smile on my face knowing that Sean was a healthy gestational age and we would get to take him home in the end of all this.

As they had me on the operating table and were putting the catheter in me, my water broke.  I guess you could say that I progressed very quickly.  They cut me open and at 9:35 pm on January 6, 2015, Sean Colin Kane was born.  8 lbs 9.4 oz and 21 inches long.  He was perfect.  As they were stitching me up, they were telling me that he had inhaled some amniotic fluid which was making him aspirate a bit.  They suctioned him one time and was holding oxygen up to his face to help him a bit.  When my water broke, he slid into the birth canal and so they had to push him back up since he got stuck and I think that stunned Sean which his why he inhaled the fluid.

Welcome to the world Sean

Everyone was doing such a good job at telling me that everything was fine.  But my Doctor told me, and dreaded telling me that Sean might have to go to the NICU.  Really?  Not again?  Of course I was going to let them do whatever they needed to do to help Sean breathe but I was just bummed that I wasn't going to get all the firsts that I wanted...again.

Sean and Daddy!

As they were wheeling me out of the O.R. (I wasn't even gonna get to see him) they made a last minute decision to put Sean on my chest and see how he did.  I was the happiest girl on earth.  I held him close as they wheeled us down to recovery.  While we laid there, I was trying to make Sean extremely mad so he would get out any secretions that he still had in his lungs.  His cry sounded like a little pig but was adorable all at the same time.  I enjoyed that time with my 3rd child so much.  I could have stayed like that forever.

After being in recovery and Sean's oxygen levels were sufficient, they wanted to take him to the nursery to give him a bath.  I told them that I really wanted to give him a bath for his first time, but they wanted to see how he did without me which I can understand.  So as they took him away, they got me ready to go into my room where I would be spending the next few days with my sweeter than sweet baby boy.  

That night was the best night of my life.  Sean was my Rainbow baby and I couldn't be happier.  Since he came 6 days before he was scheduled to come, unfortunately, my dad and my father-in-law were not there to see Sean in his first hours of life.  But my mom was there and it was so wonderful to see her hold her grandson.  When the only time she held her other grandsons was when their souls were not in their body anymore, it was extremely beautiful to give her this opportunity.  

The amount of happiness that we were experiencing was something I will never forget.  Sean was here, healthy and a loud little baby.   Can't wait for the rest of our lives.

Sean and his Grandma

"After Every Storm there is a Rainbow of Hope....Here I Am!"

"Remembering Colin" (12/14/14)

Since I was really surprised on how well I did on their 1st Birthday, I wondered how well I was going to do with the anniversary of each of their deaths.  Something tells me that I wouldn't be as OK those days.

It was just two days after their first birthday that I had to get through the anniversary of Colin's death. Let me just tell you that I didn't do as well as I thought.  The day they were born, although an unwanted birthday, brought more worry and fear then it did sadness.  It's no question that the day your children are born will always ALWAYS be happier than the day you say goodbye.

I went through the entire day playing over and over in my head, all the moments of the day leading up to Colin's death.  How I sat right next to him the majority of the day wishing and hoping for a miracle to happen and for him to magically get better.  How I cried so many tears onto his isolette and how I held that tiny hand of his, relishing in every single movement that his fingers made.  I knew that entire day that our time was limited but until Colin was ready to go to heaven, I wasn't about to give up hope for him to stay with us.

It was hard.  It was hard then and it was hard a year later playing it back in my mind.  Kevin went out for a little bit that day so it was just me and my thoughts.  I didn't even have a kitty to snuggle up with.  So while he was out, I took Colin's chest that had all of his things in it and took it up to my bed so I could go through it.  The tears started to pour.  Looking at his pictures, feeling his footprint, and remembering all the moments I had with him.  The moments were going through my head like a slideshow on repeat.  His diapers were so small, his blood pressure cuff could fit around my pinky and his hand and footprints were smaller than dolls I used to have as a little girl.  I hugged the sheet that was in his incubator the night he died and buried my face in it, hoping I could still smell that scent that engulfed his isolette.  Unfortunately, any smell that it once had was now faded.

Going through his things was especially difficult but I needed to do it.  I also went through all my pictures on my computer and cried tears on my keyboard.  At that point, Kevin came home and walked right into the rainstorm.  He knew why I was crying so he just came over and gave me a huge hug.

The fact that it has already been a year since everything happened is absolutely crazy to me.  The year had gone by so fast that I couldn't believe we were already re-living what happened a year ago in our heads instead of actually living it.  So much has changed and we have so much to look forward to.  Sean was going to be here in less than a month and we couldn't wait for that kind of happiness to enter our lives.

But for tonight, I will remember my first born.  My 1 lb 9 oz baby boy that came into this world for a brief moment but had a lifelong impression on our hearts.