We got through another night in the hospital. We had no interruptions from anyone from the
NICU, which was a very good thing. In
this case, no news was good news. I
continued to pump and try to get out the only thing that I was able to give my
babies. ‘Liquid Gold’ as it’s called and
I was so determined to give it to my sweet boys that I would try every 2
hours. That morning a little bit started
to come out so Kevin sucked it up with a syringe and then raced it down to the
NICU before Nathan got his feeds. Colin
was NPO since his kidneys weren’t working but Nathan was getting milk every 4
hours. My milk was so good for him and
that made me feel needed. I wasn’t able
to do things like a normal mother to a newborn gets to do. I couldn’t comfort them when they were sad, crying,
or in pain or rock them to sleep. My job
duties were very limited. The nurses got
to ‘Mother’ my babies more than I did so giving Nathan my milk was very
special.
My parents arrived at the hospital mid morning. They knew that we weren’t there to spend time
with them and that Kevin and I would be spending a lot of our time in the
NICU. Kevin’s Dad was driving down from
Youngstown to come visit since he hadn’t seen us since the Sunday before we
left for Cincinnati.
Kevin and I got down to the NICU around 8:30 am. We went to visit Nathan first. He was under the Billie Lights again. They said that this was normal to be on them
for a few hours and then off them for a few hours. This could last a few days. Then after we visited with him for a while,
we headed over to Colin. He was also
under Billie lights. There was no change
for Colin. He still was sick but I had
to have hope. Miracles happen every day
right? Maybe he could be our
miracle. I was shocked that Colin was
the one that wasn’t doing well. Nathan
was the one that was having problems in my belly so I thought for sure that he
was going to be the one who was very sick and not Colin. They did tell us that it usually is the
recipient baby that does the worse. I
had heard a few success stories about 24 weeker twins that had TTTS. They told
me that one would pass but the other baby was home and healthy so that gave me
even more hope for Nathan. But the only
difference with us is that their disease could not be fixed.
We were going to head back to my room because it was time for me to pump again. We stopped by Nathan’s incubator to say ‘Goodbye’ and that we would come back in a little bit. But when we got there, Karen, his nurse, had turned the Billie lights off and his glasses were up and I got a big surprise. He opened his eyes!!
I had not seen his eyes open until
now!
I loved it!
They were so pretty.
My son was looking at his mom and I couldn’t
have been happier.
That melted my
heart.
These tiny little things raised
my spirits.
 |
| Nathan with his eyes open! |
While we were back in my hospital room, we got some lunch
and my father-in-law arrived. It was a
very emotional encounter. He lost his
wife 6 months prior and now his first grandsons were fighting for their lives,
and all the while, he has to see his son go through this pain. It was nice to have him there and be with
us. Kevin and I went back to the NICU and
spend time with them around 1 and 4. At
the 4 o’clock visit, I found out that I was able to help with Nathan’s
care. I could change his diaper, hold
his feeding tube and help re-position him.
I could not WAIT till his next care time, which was going to be 6. It was amazing to hear that I could help
‘mother’ my child.
We had both sides of the emotional spectrum. On one side was
Nathan. The tiniest baby in the NICU,
but doing fairly well for the circumstances.
Then there was Colin. Fighting
minute to minute to get better but no amount of praying was going to change the
inevitable. We spend a lot of time with
Colin that morning and afternoon because we knew that our time was
limited. Once again, I had to leave to
go pump.
My parents and my father-in-law were going to go pick up
Montgomery Inn for dinner that night and bring it up to the solarium. We planned for a 7 pm dinner since we
couldn’t be in the NICU between 7 am/pm and 7:30 am/pm. They do shift change at those times. So we were going to go at 6 to do Nathan’s
care and make sure we were back to eat and then go back after we ate.
The time had come.
5:50 pm and I was anxious to get down there. I got in my wheelchair and Kevin wheeled me
down. I got there just in time. Karen was just about to start his care. Although he is my child, I have to be honest
that it was a little nerve-wracking handling such a small baby with tubes and
wires all over his body. I didn’t want
to pull something important off or accidently hit his breathing tube. But even though he was so delicate, I loved
every second of it. I first changed his
diaper. Karen put one in the incubator to warm up for him. They were so small. I am pretty sure they don’t even sell them in
stores. And they were even too big on
Nathan.
 |
| Their diapers vs. a Pen |
I took of the dirty one and slipped the new
one on.
My first diaper change on my own
child.
What a fantastic feeling.
Most mothers wouldn’t be this excited about
changing their baby’s diaper but not me.
I was not going to take ANYTHING for granted.
Not even something as little as a wet
diaper.
And it wasn’t just the
excitement of changing the diaper; it was the fact that it was wet as well.
Colin wasn’t having wet diapers so when
Nathan was, it meant that his kidneys were working.
Karen told us that they weigh all the diapers
to see how many grams they are urinating.
I didn’t know what was a good amount but I think that time was around 4
or something.
She said that was
good.
“How much was in his diaper?” was
now a question I would ask multiple times a day from there on out.
After his diaper, I got to hold up his feeding tube. He was only getting 1 ml, but he was so
little that he didn’t need a lot at first.
He would eventually ease into more.
I was so proud of my sweet Nathan.
I enjoyed taking care of him so very much! I couldn’t wait to do it again the next day.
It was now around 6:45 pm.
We were going to say ‘Hi” to Colin real quick then go eat dinner in the
Solarium with our parents between 7 and 7:30, then head back a little
later. Kevin wheeled me into Colin’s Pod
and his nurse Ruth Ann came up to us. She
said, “Since you were last here, Colin has not been doing so well. His heart rate was slowly going down.” She
continued, “I assume you will want to hold Colin and if you have any family in
town, they can come in the NICU and hold him as well.” Ruth Ann was basically saying that Colin was
hours away from passing. She asked us
what we would want to have done if his heart rate drops significantly. Did we want to resuscitate him? I asked, “Would performing CPR on him
potentially give us a lifetime with him?”
She said, “NO.” I looked at Kevin and I responded with tears streaming
down my face, “If it won’t buy us a lifetime with him, then don’t do it. We
don’t want him to be in pain longer than he has too.” Even if that gave us hours more with him, it
still wasn’t fair to him and we would be doing it for selfish reasons.
I looked at the clock and it was almost 7. I said, “We have to be out of here in a few minutes.”
Leave it to me, the rule follower to feel like I needed to follow the rules
when my son was dying. Ruth Ann said
that it probably wouldn’t happen in the next 30 min so if we wanted to go tell
our parents that they were allowed to come in the NICU and the nurses could get
him out and we could all hold him, we would probably be alright doing
that. She did want us to talk to the
Fellow on duty, Gus, before we left. My
tears had started for the night and would continue for hours. Gus pulled us into the private Family room
and told us Colin’s condition and that he was most likely going to pass. Even though we knew that was going to happen,
it was now very real. I told myself that
I will go tell our parents and after that, I am not leaving Colin’s side all
night. I will sleep upright in a recliner for all I care.
We left to go to our parents. We cried all the way down the hall. We arrived in the solarium and I couldn’t
even get out the words to tell them that their Grandson was going to die. So Kevin told them, “Colin is very sick and
is probably only going to last a few more hours.” We all are crying now. My parents come to hug me and Kevin hugs his
dad very tightly. We told them that
after dinner we can all go down and hold him.
So we opened our food and tried to eat.
I maybe took 2 bites. All our
appetites just disappeared. I couldn’t
believe I was about to experience my first born dying! Why is this happening to Kevin and me? I wasn’t ready for this. What parent is ever ready to just wait and
watch their baby die? My heart was
breaking. I cannot believe how much
emotional pain I was in.
It was 7:30 and I said that I would go into my room to pump
real fast and then we could all go down.
I got in my room, shut the door, lifted my shirt up and turned the pump
on. Not even a minute had gone by and my
hospital room phone started to ring. I
answered it and it was Ruth Ann. “Colin’s heart is slowing down very fast so I
suggest you and Kevin get down here right now.”
Panic came over me in a split second.
I stopped pumping immediately, put my shirt back on and pushed the
wheelchair out into the hallway. My
heart was racing! I turned to the solarium and YELLED Kevin’s name. I said, “Hurry! Colin is going down now! We
have to GO!!! HURRY!!” I sat in the
wheelchair and he pushed me down as fast as he could. We picked up the phone for the NICU to let us
in but Ruth Ann was waiting for us. She
opened both set of doors. Usually you
have to wash your hands before you enter so Kevin wheels me over to the sink
but as I look up, I see Ruth Ann waiving me in.
I screamed, “GO GO GO!” We rushed
into his POD and I stood up by Colin.
Other nurses started to bring dividers around his incubator so we could
have privacy. Ruth Ann started to explain,
“Colin’s heart is starting to give up.
We could do one of two things. We
could have your whole family sit around his incubator and you all could hold
him, or we could take him out, we could breathe for him with the neo puff and oxygen
and take him into the private family room so you all can have more privacy with
your son.” Kevin and I opted for the
family room.
She told us to head in there and they would bring Colin to
me. I walked so fast across the NICU
that you would never have any idea that I just had a C-Section 2 days
prior. Kevin and I sat on the
couch. I was so anxious. Our parents arrive and come sit in the room
with us. Since Colin started to go down
so fast I didn’t know how much longer he would be alive so I asked, “Can I be
selfish and hold my baby first? “ I
couldn’t share him with people. If I had
a chance to hold him alive for even a few seconds, I wanted to be the one to do
it. They all of course said, “Yes.”
 |
| Kevin and I holding Colin for the first time. |
The door opens and in walks Ruth Ann with my sweet baby wrapped up in a blanket with a green hat on his head and Gus pushing the oxygen tank. There is a tube coming from his mouth that she is taking her finger on
and off to breathe for him called a neo puff.
She puts him in my arms. “Hi,
Baby!” I say. “I love you so very much.” Cradled in my arms for the first time was
Colin. A little boy that I have known for such a little amount of time but
loved more than anything. After a minute
or two, I asked Gus to check his heartbeat.
It was exactly 8 pm. He came over
with his stethoscope and put it on his dark chest. He looked at me and nodded. Colin had passed.
I couldn’t believe this was happening! The tears streamed down my face and dropped
onto Colin’s blanket. My heart was
breaking earlier and now it was officially broken into a million pieces. My first-born died in my arms. How was I
going to move on from this? Why was I robbed of the joy of being his mother and
watching him grow and why was he robbed of life? This just isn’t fair. There are no words to describe that
moment.
Ruth Ann extubated Colin and her and Gus left the room so we
could have as much time with him as we wanted.
I held him in my arms, got to kiss him for the first time and just
starred at him. I was finally holding my
1 lb 9.3 oz baby. I loved him so
much. I didn’t want to believe that he
was dead. This was just a bad nightmare
right? After a few minutes, I gave Kevin
his son to hold. As I sit there, looking
at my husband holding our first-born, I lean my head on Kevin’s shoulder and
rub Colin’s head. I can’t believe the
first time Kevin is holding his son is when his son has no more breathes to
take. We then have our parents hold our sweet
boy. That was also a hard thing to
see. We were so happy to be giving our
parents their first grandchildren and the first time they are actually able to
hold one, his soul is no longer with us in the physical world.
They had a social worker and a priest come up to the room we
were in. The priest said a prayer for
Colin and us and then he left. The
social worker wanted to ask us questions on what we wanted to do with his
body. I told her we would get in touch
with them the following day. My baby
just died in my arms and to make decisions on whether we want him cremated or
buried was not going to happen that night.
I still needed time to process what just happened and need to be in the
present with my baby.
 |
| Colin's 1st Teddy Bear and outfit |
After a while, Ruth
Ann came back in with an outfit for Colin, a teddy bear, and some craft kits so
we could get his hand and footprints.
She said that they also would take photos of him so we needed to give
him a bath. I was going to give my baby
a bath for the very first time but it just didn’t hold the same excitement, as
it would have if he were alive. But I
wouldn’t want any one to do it but me.
Ruth Ann went and brought in a bin that they roll babies around in. I laid Colin in there, still wrapped in his
blanket, and sat by his side with my face hung over the tub and rubbed his head
until Ruth Ann brought in the soap and water.
Once Ruth Ann came back, I began to give my son a bath. We peeled off his DuoDerm from his cheeks,
which is the material that helped protect his skin from the intibator tape and
adhesive. I was able to see my baby’s
face for the first time without any tubes coming out of his mouth or sticky
stuff on his cheeks. If you didn’t know
he was dead, he just looked like a baby that was sleeping very peacefully. He was so very cute.
She began taking pictures.
Putting him with a teddy bear or putting Kevin and my wedding rings
around his hands. Kevin wedding ring was
bigger than Colin’s arm. My wedding ring
barely fit over his hand. He really was
so tiny. We took his hand and footprints
and put them on a Birth Certificate. It
wasn’t the real Birth Certificate but it had his information on it. Then we took his foot and did an impression
in some clay. Ruth Ann cut some wisps of
his hair and put it in a tiny baggy for me.
She also took everything off his incubator and told me I was allowed to
keep all his things. I got all his hats,
his thermometer, blood pressure cuff and even his linens that were in his
bed.
After all the pictures were done, Ruth Ann asked if I could
think of any more pictures I wanted.
I
told her I would like to get a picture of him and his brother since they hadn’t
seen each other since they were in my womb.
We walked over to Nathan’s bedside and put Colin in next to his Twin
brother.
What a site to see.
 |
| Nathan and Colin - Brothers Forever |
My
two boys…together.
I have no doubt in my
mind that Nathan knew that it was his brother.
He tried to reach for Colin and touch him, but the nurses didn’t want
him to.
They didn’t want him to catch
anything from Colin, which I understood.
We got some pictures of the two of them and then we got one with all
four of us.
We only have one family
picture.
I will cherish that
forever.
 |
| My Beautiful Family |
After a couple minutes, we took Colin back into the Family
Room. We got him undressed so I could
keep the outfit and I just held him. We
were chest to chest. I could feel his
body start to get colder and colder but that didn’t matter to me. I could have held him forever. I couldn’t let go. I just sat on the couch and held him like
that as my family watched. They did leave the room for a bit so I could have
some alone time with him. I kissed his
head and whispered, “I’m sorry sweetie.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
You didn’t deserve this. You’re
with Grandma now and she will take great care of you.” I did feel comfort in knowing that he is not
alone up there. I knew that his Grandma
would be waiting for him and he would never feel alone.
I held him for about an hour. It was getting late and Kevin and my family
asked if I was ready. If I was ready,
that would mean I will never see my son again other than in pictures or in
dreams. I couldn’t let go. How do you let go of your son knowing you
will never get to hold him in your arms again, or kiss his little head? Ruth Ann said that we could have him sleep in
our room that night if we wanted. Kevin
made a good point. He said that I would
want to remember Colin this way. If he
stayed with us, we would see him start to change color and get even colder than
he was. He was right. It was just his body. And even though I knew that it was just the
shell, it was the hardest thing setting his body down for the last and final
time. I was never going to touch him, or
kiss him, smell him, or hug him ever again.
It was beyond hard to do. I cried
all the way back to my room. Kevin
pushed me in my wheelchair down the empty hallway as my dad held my hand. My baby was gone!
Once we got back to my room, our parents hugged us and left
to go to the hotel. Kevin held me as my
tears continued to stream down my face.
We lost our first born that night.
Colin was now our Angel Baby.
 |
Colin Martin Kane
December 12, 2013 - 3:13pm
-
December 14, 2013 - 8:00pm
1 lb 9.3 oz - 13 1/4 inches long
Beloved Son, Grandson and Brother |
